Looting for Dummies

Whenever there's looting it's usually for expensive stuff like TVs and electronics. It makes me wonder, how come nobody ever loots ponies? They're so cute and small, and no one would know the wiser. If anyone asks the ponies weren't stolen, they just ran off... TVs might be nice, but nothing says rich like a living room full of ponies!

Dressed for Success

Wearing a collared shirt and athletic shorts is never acceptable. Unless you're holding some sort of business meeting at the gym. If that's the case, you're probably in the wrong business.

Child's Play

I saw this painted on the side of a daycare and it made me wonder...


Why is Buzz Lightyear shooting the children with a laser? At first I thought it was a threat, letting the kids know they better behave or else a space man will shoot death rays at them. However, maybe they're actually "Imagination Lasers," and Buzz is helping them expand their minds. Either way, if you ask me, this daycare is run by a bunch of drugged out hippies, and my kids will have a blast this summer.

A Fun Fact

Here's a fun fact; if you eat pepperonis by themselves, it's like eating meat flavored potato chips... without the potato chip!

Passive Agression

I try to avoid confrontation. When somone's aruging with me, it's just easier to let them win. However, I don't want people thinking I'm a push-over, so I yell nice things like "YOU MAKE A VERY GOOD POINT!" or "THAT'S A NICE SHIRT, IS IT NEW?!" They walk away feeling like they've won, and I don't have to backdown to anybody.

Smart Humor

A friend mentioned he had just bought a new motherboard for his computer. When I told him one day she'll give birth to a fine young board, he did not laugh. I guess my joke was a little too smart for the guy who buys computer parts. Take that smart guy!

How Polite is He?

He's so polite, he courtesy flushes at the urinal.

Color of Champions

My favorite color would have to be Highlighter Yellow. Not because it's so bright or cause it's unique, but because it demands your attention. You have to respect a color like that. The other colors could learn a lot from Highlighter Yellow... especially you Brown.

Behind the Music

I always liked the song "Pepper" by the Butthole Surfers. When it first came out, I liked it so much that I wanted to be a butthole surfer. It wasn't until later I realized there was a lot more to being a butthole surfer than just surfing. Thank god I didn't do anything I'd regret... cool song though.

Breaking from the Pack

Unlike everyone else I put my pants on both legs at a time. Sure it's a chore and there's a lot of hopping involved, but it's worth it to know I stand out in a class of my own.

The Incredible Edible Cracker

The people who make animal crackers should try making life-size crackers, and then putting them in parks and zoos. It would be great for marketing, but on the downside, it would probably increase the number of animals that will die because a child bit their head off.

An More Interesting Bee

There should be a word in the English language that simply means "Impossible to spell". Then they could use this word at the final round of spelling bees, and everyone will be amazed when someone spells it correctly. The judges will all say "That's impossible!" and dub him "The Chosen One". All in all I think it would make spelling bees a little more interesting, but then so would an actual bee that could spell... Eh, either way.

Good Advice Gone Bad

"Stopping to smell the roses," is usually good advice. Unless you're telling it to the guy pulling my rickshaw downhill... Then it quickly becomes dangerous advice.

The Secret's Out

Sometimes I think I’m a secret agent, and I just haven’t been let in on the secret. I guess I don’t blame them... cause I do love to gossip.

Have Your Cake & Eat it Too

If someone really smart is talking to you, and you don't know what to say, don't panic. When it's your turn to talk just say "I like Cake." Whoever you're talking to will think you're talking about the food and assume you're a moron. That's when you inform him you were actually talking about the 90s rock band, with such hits as "The Distance" & "Never There". Now he not only thinks you're intelligent and cultured, but he looks like an idiot for thinking you were talking about mere food. I mean seriously, what idiot would talk about baked goods when you're trying to have a serious conversation about 90s alternative rock... seriously.

Mating Terminology

If an older lady is hitting on you she's referred to as a "Cougar". So in theory if a really old lady is hitting on you she should be known as a "Saber-Toothed Tiger". After all, saber-toothed tigers are older than cougars. Plus it sounds a lot cooler to say "I bagged a Saber-Toothed Tiger," than "I had sex with your Grandma... Twice!"

Now Hiring

The other day I ate at Burger King, and on my receipt it said “Join our team, all positions available.” So I applied for “Burger King”… I still haven’t heard back from them.

Fate of a Superpower

If you ever acquire superpowers you will have to choose whether to use them for good or evil. Sometimes that choice is made for you. For example, if you end up having three heads you’re going to become a villain. That's just the way it is. Truth is you’re probably going to end up an evil henchman at best.

Wouldn't That be Neat?

I think it would be neat if cats could evaporate. Because if they could evaporate into the sky, than they would eventually come back down when it rains. Then one day cats would be falling from the sky, and I could walk up to a stranger and say "Looks like it's just raining cats today." That would be neat.

Some people may wonder if evaporating dogs would be just as neat. But dogs don't always land on their feet, and the thought of dogs falling from the sky to their death is a pretty sick thought.

A Lil' Monkey Business

When I see a parent with their child on a leash, I think about how out of control that child must be. But the other day I saw a kid on a leash with a giant monkey harness... On that day I thought "Wow, that spaz must really like monkeys."

A New Kind of Party

Earlier my neighbor was talking about a party, but he misspoke. Instead of saying it was BYOB, he said BLB. He corrected himself, but it got me thinking... What if he really meant BLB? I wonder what BLB would stand for. "Bring Lots of Beer", or maybe it means "Bring Laser Beams". If that's the case I think I'll pass. I've been shot with enough lasers to know it hurts no matter how drunk you are.

Life Choices at 3am

While walking towards the restroom at work during the night-shift, I could hear someone inside. Since it was 3am, I assumed it was my co-worker, and I planned to jump out and scare him. However, I had a second thought... What if it actually isn't my co-worker? Am I willing to take that risk? After all, If I'm wrong and scare a stranger, I'll have to avoid eye contact with him for the rest of my life.

So many questions, so little time.

In the end my conscience won, and I didn't go through with it... But hear this, before I die I will scare someone in a public restroom!

Identifying the NIFO

If you call an unidentified flying object a UFO, you've actually just Identified it. However, if you do see a UFO you should tell someone, but then quickly tell them that it's now a NIFO (Newly-Identified-Flying-Object).

A Lesson in Dog Owning

Sometimes my dog pees on the carpet right before I'm about to take her outside to pee. You'd think that would make me mad, but it doesn't. Instead, I just make her sit by the window while I go outside by myself. Then she has to sit there and watch how much fun I'm having peeing & pooping all over the grass. Maybe next time she'll hold it like a good dog, and we can have fun peeing outside together.

A Familiar Scent

I couldn't help but notice the restroom smelled a little more "Magnum" than usual. However, it all made sense when I noticed the bathroom's new air freshener.





Think it's time for Back-Potty... Tell Higgins not to wait up.

A Quick Safety Tip

Remember kids, Safety First. Be sure to always wear a helmet. If you don't have a helmet, using bubble wrap is the next best thing.

Now even poor kids can be safe!

Usefullness for Useless Things

You know those bowling shoes you stole three years ago because you thought it was cool, but now have no use for them? Well it turns out you stole yourself the perfect pair of dog walking shoes. Think about it... they got flat soles, so if you step in poop it'll be an easy clean up. Plus, even if you do step in poop who cares, they're crappy bowling shoes that you didn't pay for. I guess the only problem now is finding a dog to walk, but I'm sure you'll just go steal one... klepto.

Telling Secrets

Last night I saw a girl wearing a shirt that said "I can't keep secrets". Well I can't keep secrets either, and I told her her shirt sucked.

Meet The Neighbors

Today I noticed that my quirky neighbor has a pair of black, OJ-looking gloves inside his car. This officially gives him enough weird points to move him up from "Quirky" to "Creepy".

Delicious Disorder

If I eat an Egg McMuffin, knowing that McDonald's breakfasts always make me poop right away, does that make me bulimic?

Making Wise Words Wiser

Give a man a fish, you have fed him for today. Teach a man to fish, and you have fed him for a lifetime... Teach him to fish with dynamite, and you have created an Eco-terrorist.

"Custodian Dick!"

More people should be working on commission. Janitors, for example, should get paid per mess. It's only fair that the more they clean, the more they earn. However, you'd probably have a bunch of janitors pooping everywhere, so they can clean it up and make the extra buck. Man, if you can't trust a janitor who can you trust in this dirt ridden world.

The Animal Club

Getting a puppy is cool because now I have that special bond with everyone else who has a puppy. We'll see each other walking our dogs, and it's cool because we're all part of that "I Have an Animal Club". The only bad news is that crazy lady with 14 cats and no furniture is a part of the club too... I always thought if I was going to be part of a club with her it would just be AA.

A Better Light, A Better Driver

With all the lights that come on in my car when I need gas, oil, or my engine's falling apart, how come the only way I can find out my taillight is out is by getting pulled over at 3 am on my way home from the bar? There's got to be some way they can invent a warning light that comes on when your taillight is broke... They should also have a light that warns you you're about to get a D.W.I.

Robo-Role Model

Robocop would be a great mentor for Inspector Gadget. He could show Inspector Gadget that you don't need all those silly gadgets to make a difference. All you really need to do good in this world is a gun... Now that's deep Robocop.

22 Extra Flavors

In case you haven't heard, Dr. Pepper is now made with 23 flavors. They used to be able to make Dr. Pepper with just one flavor, but now they use 23 and it still tastes just like Pepper. If you ask me, that sounds a little inefficient... Personally I'd expect better from a Doctor.

Bottomless Pit... Half Full or Half Empty?

I wonder what happens to you when you fall into a bottomless pit? Some nerdy bottomless pit expert will probably say that you'd die from falling so fast, or from eventually starving. I, on the other hand, would like to think it would be an amazing journey. A free-fall like that would be awesome, plus imagine all the other falling people you'd meet while on your trip... But I guess that's just the optimist in me.

A New Idea for Domino's

Domino Rally did great things for regular dominoes, imagine what it could do for Domino's Pizza. You'd just arrange hundreds of pizzas in a crazy course and let em' go nuts! Wait that'll never work, it's just way too many calories... Well there's still my idea for the "Holy Cheesus!" Pizza, now with more cheese than ever before!

The Vampire Test

If you suspect your friend of being vampire, try feeding him a T-bone. If he is a vampire, a steak to his heart should kill him. If he's not a vampire, then he probably deserves a nice meal for such a ridiculous accusation.

A Confusing Comparison

People always say "It's like comparing apples and oranges." But what if you actually are comparing apples & oranges... Is that "like" comparing apples and oranges, or is it just comparing apples & oranges. I'm not sure, but if you were to answer delicious, I would say Correct!

A Thought From Justin...

When a waitress introduces herself and is like "I'll be your server," should I feel obligated to say "I'm Justin, I'll be your customer"?

-A Thought from Justin Petty-

Just a Thought...

I think if dinosaurs were made out of Legos more people would want to be archaeologists.

Choosing Favorites

I understand a parent putting a bumper sticker from their kid's college on their car. But sometimes they have more than one kid, and now they got their mini van covered in stickers from all kinds of colleges... this is too much. These parents need to sit down and choose their favorite child, and start being loyal to only one college.