Let's touch on Racism...

If you don't like the Cosby Show you're probably a racist. I mean you don't have to love or anything, but as long as you like it a little, than we're cool.

To Serve and Protect

Did the police really need Batman to stop the Penguin? I think if a cop can't shoot a fat guy floating away on an umbrella, then he should go back to working the night shift at Office Depot where he belongs.

In the Land of Disney...

In the land of Disney, Goofy and Pluto were both dogs. However, Goofy wears cloths and a hat, and Pluto runs around on all fours. Disney is full of animals acting as people, but poor Pluto is the only one who has to act like a dog... If you ask me, Pluto has down syndrome and no one has the guts to tell him.

Room for Improvment

Most people see someone walking as just someone walking. I, on the other hand, see a Conga Line that needs improvement.

Another Weather Machine?

How come every bad guy in every cartoon has to try to conquer the world with a machine that controls the weather... you'd think by now the forces of good would just build their own weather machine. Then finally we could all stop worrying about people screwing with the wind cause we'd have our own machine... But I suppose this world just isn't ready for peace.

Remember When Terrorism Was Cool?

When I was a kid a terrorists weren't so bad, in fact they were kinda cool... If Cobra did recruitment and asked me to sign up, I sure as hell would... Just think of all the benefits... I get to drive awesome vehicles, get a cool name that ends with "Viper", and honestly, how many Cobra troops get killed... NONE! they all have parachutes and retreat, how sweet a deal would that be?

Supersitious Truths...

Whoever started the superstition "It's bad luck if a black cat crosses your path," probably got mauled by a panther once or twice in his lifetime.

Curse of the Leprechauns...

If Leprechauns are so lucky... how come they have red hair?

The Perfect Storm...

A friend told me that one of the buildings wrecked during the hurricane was none other than The Home Depot. Some people might not think this is a big deal... I, on the other hand, believe it is a sign. A sign that hurricanes are getting smarter. So smart they destroyed the only thing we could use to rebuild our cities... Home Depot.

Some "Evil" Teamwork

Batman villains are always pairing up, like Catwoman and The Penguin. But how come The Joker never teamed up with The Riddler. It just makes sense... after all, with their powers of evil combined they could of come with some pretty funny riddles.

A Mystery in Duckberg

Remember Ducktales?... Did anybody ever know which one was Huey, Duey, or Louie? McDuck is swimming in money, but he can't afford name tags for his nephews... that's just lazy parenting.

A Criminal Mastermind...

Before I commit any big crimes, I like to go around town and grab a book of matches from every bar I can find. Cause when cops start looking for clues, they always go to the bars that you got matches from... With all the matchbooks I got, it'll totally throw em' off... Plus, in a life of crime, you never know when you're going to have to burn your way out of a jam!

A Little Direction in Life

2 Wrongs don't make a right, but 3 rights make a left.

Lame Advertising

Have you ever seen a commercial for a novel?... It's just like a preview for a movie you don't want to see.

The Way I See It...

Once a month girls have their period, but I like to think of it as an exclamation point cause that's when they do all their yelling.

Snakes in the Wild

It's a good thing rattlesnakes don't hang out in nurseries because you'd never know when they'd strike.

Smarter Camoflauge

At first I thought it was stupid that Zebras are black and white because there is nothing black and white in the jungle for them to blend into... But then I realized crossword puzzles are black and white, and if I was a hungry lion I wouldn't want to deal with some crossword, I mean those things are hard.

Getting A Little Closure

I'm tired of you playing these games with my heart. I'm sick of you saying you're leaving for good, only to come back again. I guess I'm the fool for always taking you back, but no more! I think I speak for everyone when I say "I'm over you McRib, I've found other sandwiches that stand by my hunger instead of leave when it's convienent... Thanks for the memories McRib, but I think you should stop coming around.

Being Safe After Dark

The next time you're making fun of goth kids at night be careful, because they might actually be vampires... really depressed and annoying vampires.

In the Land of Birds

I saw this TV show were instead of horses they rode ostriches... why would anyone ride an ostrich instead of a horse? Maybe if an ostrich could fly it would make a little more sense... I'd rather ride a chicken, at least that bird can fly... and if I was a cop I'd ride a rooster, and his rooster calls would be my siren.

Gloves are Superior

Why would anyone chose mittens over gloves? When someone says "It's cold, I better go grab my mittens." all I ever hear is "It's cold, I better only have two fingers on each hand." Seriously, gloves are superior to mittens in every way... that is unless you're pretending to be a ninja turtle, but that's really not my point.

The True Inventor

I wonder who invented the bookmark? Was it the nerdy guy who kept reading books all day, or the nerdy guy's friend, who kept shoving little pieces of paper in his book when he wasn't looking?

According to "Joe Law"

Joe Law states that when preparing nacho plates, part of each chip must remain uncovered with nacho cheese or chilli. This way it can be used as a handle, and no one gets gunk all over their fingers... Such is the Law of Joe!

Despite Popular Belief

Despite popular belief, cotton candy does not actually shrink in the wash... It does however, ruin a brand new washer and dryer.

They Needed a Disclaimer

When I was a kid I loved Alvin and the Chipmunks... But I wonder how many kids hurt their crotch from sliding down the banister at their house after watching the chipmunks do it. Just another reason TV is ruining our youth... seriously though, are they going on tour anytime soon?

Lost in Translation

I wonder if Cheerios are called "Hellos" in England?

My Battle Cry

A lot of people like to shout "Food Fight!" when they start a food fight. I on the other hand, shout "Pass the Ketchup!"... so I have an excuse.

Did I Mention My Promotion?

A Couple months ago I got the big promotion to Assistant Manager... Now please hold your applause, that should be saved for the Manager... however, I will accept your assistant applause.

Preparing for the After-Life

When I die I want to be buried wearing a shirt that says "Not A Zombie." That way if for some reason I do get to rise from the dead, I'll already be prepared. This way people won't assume I'm a zombie, and I'll be able to hang out for a bit before everyone tries to blow my head off or cut me to pieces with a chainsaw... I mean, sooner or later they're gonna figure it out, but not before I can go catch a movie, or grab a bite to eat... of Brains!

How Tough Are You?

I see all these guys wearing pink shirts that say "Tough Guys Wear Pink", and that may be true. However, tough guys don't wear shirts saying how tough they are. Instead they're out there beating heads in and being tough... So if you're really a tough guy, wear a shirt with a picture of the last guy whose head who beat in... and leave the pink for the whussys and wanna-be's.

Monopoly... A Lesson in Business

Remember Monopoly? Everytime I played I was always the wheelbarrow. Yeah that's right, cause everyone would fight over who got to be the racecar. I mean, hey I'm a wheelbarrow, I still got one wheel and I'm going places... It just goes to show that you can go farther with one wheel than when you fight over four. The same is true in business, and I guess that's what monopoly was trying to teach us.

The Chronicles Of Class...

I moved the Chronicles Of Class (The Short Story I created in class instead of taking notes) because it was getting to big, and frankly, just too epic... For the complete tellings of The Chronicles Of Class check out my other site, here...
EverythingJoe.blogspot.com

A Killer Impression

Why is it that in the movies, all the killers, hitmen, and assassins always were black boots. I don't know about you, but if I was running around shooting and killing people I would probably want something a little more comfortable, like a light tennis shoe or sneaker. Then again I guess I would kinda look silly wearing all black except for my white reebok pumps, and I can't go around killing anyone if I look silly... I mean it is true what they say, "You only have one chance to make a first impression"... especially if you kill them.

Food for Thought

If I was going to be put to death, and they asked me what I wanted for my last meal, I would proudly say "Unicorn!"

Two Scoops of Hives

Raisin Bran had a slogan that says "Everything's" better with two scoops," but I think they forgot that my friend is allergic to raisins... I don't think two scoops of anything will make his face stop swelling.

A Girl Named Judy

Today I was talking with a girl named Judy when it hit me. Who names their daughter Judy? In fact I don't think I've ever met a girl named Judy. Then I thought of Judy Jetson. That's when I realized that we are not yet ready for the name Judy, and in time we will accept it just like flying cars and robot maids named Rosie.

A Forgotten Legend

Since the beginning of time, people have become legends for showing amazing feats of strength. But it has come to my attention that we have overlooked one of these legends... Scrooge McDuck was known as a wealthy, stingy, selfish old man, but we forgot his amazing physical strength. He is the only person I have ever known to dive head first into a pool of coins, only to swim around doing flips and somersaults. Must I also mention that he did all this swimming without a lifeguard present... Clearly Scrooge McDuck is a god among other Ducks, and should be remembered as such. Thanks for the memories Mr McDuck.

Shirts, Liars, & Ugos...

Today I saw a girl wearing a shirt that said "Kiss me I'm Italian." Truth is, if she really wanted me to kiss her all she had to wear was a shirt saying "Kiss me I'm attractive." Unfortunately for her she was not attractive and I don't kiss liars, or people who let their shirts lie for them... or ugly people in general.

An Actual Fued of Families

Has anything ever been decided because of the Family Fued? Just once I want it to be an actual fued of families. Trouble with the neighbors? No Problem, just challenge them to the Family Fued. Whoever loses moves, and the winner... well the winner gets to play fast money for a chance at $20,000. Because that's just how the game is played.

Free Advertising

I've noticed a bunch of religious people have a bumper sticker on their car that reads, "My Boss is a Jewish Carpenter." What they don't know is that somewhere out there, Steinberg's Hardwood Floors is getting a lot of free advertising thanks to them.

Where My Genie At?

I went through a phase where everytime I came across a lamp I would rub it just to see if it contained a magical genie that would grant me wishes... Of course now I realize how silly I was. Now instead of rubbing, I break every lamp I see... If I can't have my genie, No One Can!

Tug-O-Death!

If Gumby and Stretch Armtstrong were in a Tug-O-War who would win? Well the answer is none of them would win... In fact during the Tug-O-War, both of their arms would snap off, and they would each be slung at incredible speeds into outer space. So the real question is, Who can hold their breath longer?

You Are One Smart Cookie

If I was able to get all the fortune cookies in the world, I would play all of their lottery numbers. And if I didn't win, I could sue those cookie bastards for everything. But I bet after winning, the fortune cookie people would probably appeal and win, because one of their cookies said I would be very prosperous... and of course it would be right... "Man!" there's just no out-smarting those crafty Asians!

The Truth Behind FrankenBerry

Since Frankenstein is made up from the parts of dead people, is FrankenBerry made from parts of dead berries or parts of dead breakfast cereal mascots?
Actually the answer is neither... FrankenBerry is just an ugly person whose parents were too lazy to name him properly, and the only reason he got the job with the cereal is because he agreed to let General Mills spray paint him pink.

Besides there's no such thing as a dead breakfast cereal mascot... everyone knows they are timeless and live on forever in our hearts.

Stilts...

Stilts were definitly the coolest way to get slightly higher off the ground for about 5 seconds until you fell face first... Yep whenever I was a kid, and I wanted to get slightly higher off the ground for about 5 seconds until I fell face first, there was nothing better than a good pair of stilts!

A True Story...

The following is an actual police report. I find no need to elaborate the already hilarious. However, if you want the full story just ask, since I am the driver involved...

• 7/07 — 11:45 a.m., A Texas Department of Criminal Justice parolee, William Canada, was released from the Huntsville “Walls” Unit, and within 45 minutes, stole a Toyota Corolla from the 1200 block of University Avenue. The car was left running when the driver made a delivery at the location. HPD immediately apprehended Canada at Cavender’s on 11th Street.

Being Productive

Instead of having "Writer's Block" people should try to get "Writer's Building-Blocks". That would probably be a lot more productive.

There's Nothing Small About "Small Talk"

Once a friend tried to break the silence by making small talk... He simply asked "What I thought?" When I asked "About what?" he replied "About anything." He had no idea how much pressure he just put upon me. Now I have to think of the most exciting thing I can think of, and then tell him what I think about it... You'll be happy to know I made some lame comment about the weather and we haven't been friends since.

Ladders...

Ladders should never be bought... only borrowed.

Painfull Memories

Remember the very first time you ever drank a Sprite? I know I do... how mad were you when you realized Sprite isn't green, but just the bottle is. I still have trouble coping with such a painfull memory. I guess that's why I keep the bad memories repressed. It keeps me refreshed, much like the taste of a delicious (Not Green) Sprite.

Better Than a Resume

Some people are afraid of getting a tattoo because they think when it's time to get a real job they won't get hired because they're covered in tattoos. That's why I plan on getting a tattoo that says "Hire me or I'll burn your family"... I still might not get the job, but only because they called my bluff and it would take a lot of courage to make that call... I should probably get a tattoo that says "Just Kidding," just in case.

The Land of Minimum Wage...

In the Land of Minimum Wage it is he who sells potatoes that shall eat like a king.

Shower Stalkers

When I'm taking a pee and I look over and see the shower with the curtain closed it makes me wonder. It makes me wonder if there's someone hiding in the shower waiting to jump out and attack me. Thats why I'll always give the shower curtain a good punching... So beware Shower Stalkers, there's a new Sheriff in the town!

The Future of Food

We've all seen enough TV and movies to know how teleporters work. We also know they can be unsafe because all your molecules might get mixed up and you could end up with your arm sticking out of your head or something... This might be a bad side effect for people, but a perfect side effect for food. Think of all the awesome meal combinations you could create just by zapping your food. Really like Tacos and burgers, but don't know what to eat? Well just teleport yourself a nice "Burg-aco" or "Tac-urger" Now all I need is a machine that could come up with a better name for a taco burger.

Superheros & Pervs

Anyone who says they would choose invisibility as their super power doesn't want to be a superhero. They just want to be some locker room pervert, and stare at nakeds all day. Instead of asking these guys what superpower they'd choose, just ask them if they're a dirty perv. They'll see you as a real straight shooter, and they'll respect that.

Peacefull Mornings

Sunrises are pretty neat... but so is riding a golden unicorn down a rainbow slide into a pool of Jello, because I'm still dreaming, and I didn't wake up to see the sunrise.

A Fishy Smell

Sometimes you'll come home and you'll notice a strange smell. For example, "It smells a little fishy," or "What's that burning smell?" or even "Who farted?" But this morning I got home and my place smelled like garlic bread. It's 10:30 in the morning, who's cooking garlic bread in my house? I think I got robbed by Chef Boyardee and he left his calling card. I guess I'll be eating a nice bowl of I-got-robbed-a-roni tonight.

The Legend is True...

I saw her... The really hot girl that drives the really crappy car. Some say she is only a myth, but I have seen her with my own two eyes. Truly this woman is as beautifull as her car is rusty.

Such Passionate Letters

Sometimes when writing a letter people will write"O X O X" to represent hugs and kisses. I wonder what letter would represent a reach around? My guess is it would be the letter "G" cause it kind of looks like an arm reaching around. On the other hand it also kinda looks like a snake or something... so maybe the letter "G" just means I want a snake to attack you.

Why Not Use the Talking Car?

So Disney Pixar has this new movie with talking cars. I hear they got Owen Wilson to take the lead role... I wonder why they didn't just cast the talking car from Knightrider?

Birth of the Prindiville Nation

I'm in the process of forming my own country so I can participate in the World Cup. I don't really care about winning or losing, I just think it would be sweet to have My own team. So if anyone has some spare land that we can use for our country, I can probably find a spot for you on my team. Remember it's not whether we win or lose, it's that it's My team. Today a Country, Tomorrow the World!

"Awe Man," My Power Sucks

I was walking with a friend the other day when we past a gross looking puddle of sewage. I assumed it was toxic waste, and asked my friend if he wanted to roll around in it and get super powers. Before he could answer I told him nevermind... Truth is, if he got a cool super power and I got a lame one, I'd be super-pissed.

A Food Fiasco

Dear Mrs. Crocker

Long time eater, First time writer...
One of the differences between cakes and pies is that pies are filled with fruit. So technically, shouldn't blueberry pancakes be called "Blueberry Pan-pies"? I've already got Sara Lee on board, so if you could please return my calls maybe we can finally get this food fiasco taken care off.

Thanks for the food & the memories,
Joe

A Bug's Life...

If dragon flys were really "Dragon Flys" they'd be able to breath fire, and that would be pretty sweet... That is until they kidnapped your princess and you had to hire some knight to go get her back... After that you probably would just wish they were regular bugs again. On the other hand, what the hell were you doing with a princess anyways?

Time & Time Again

The best part about owning a time machine is that you can always relive the first time you rubbed it in your freind's faces that you have a time-machine and they don't... Honestly though, dinosaurs are way over-rated.

More Like EXtreme Stalls

Why is it that the handicapped stalls are the ones with bars on them for you to hold on to while you pee. Last night I took advantage of these bars, as I peed in the toilet sideways while leaning out from the wall... Hey Grandpa!, try pulling of that fly move in your Rascal!

Shirt... Jacket... Who Knows!

Some people wear button down shirts unbuttoned. Don't they realize that when they don't button up the shirt it's more of a jacket than a shirt. They also don't realize that they probably wouldn't need a jacket if they just buttoned up their shirt... because then they wouldn't be so cold.

Three's A Crowd

No one likes a third wheel, but just wait till I finish my rocket-tricycle... then we'll see who's a third wheel after all.

A Dying Wish

If we're ever faced with the threat of a meteor shower be sure to go outside with an umbrella. This will not save your life, but I was to cheap to buy a bomb shelter so i'm going to die one way or the other... And before I die all I want is the pleasure of seeing some poor sap with an umbrella get smashed by a meteor... Is that too much to ask? For once stop being so selfish!

The Fourth Little Pig

We've all heard the story of the three little pigs. But what you don't know is there was actually a fourth pig... His house was made out of Leggos, and him and the wolf had the funnest time building and taking apart his house... That is until the wolf ate the fourth pig, I mean Leggos are fun but so is eating pork.

Getting a Little Preachy

You know who makes the best milk?... Cows. And who makes the best cows?... God. That's right, just another reason why God should be in your life. Sorry I had to get a little preachy there, but I thought it just had to be said.

Sad Children Play Too

Some neighborhoods have signs up that say "Happy Children at Play." This way you'll know to slow down and drive safe. Now I don't know if these neighborhoods are prejudice against sad children, but one thing's for sure... If I see a sad kid playing in one of these neighborhoods, it's only fair that I get to hit him with my car.

A Well Known... And a Little Known Fact

• It's a Well Known Fact that counting sheep can help you fall asleep.
• It's a Little Known Fact that if you ever can count to 1000 sheep... your head will explode
  

The Glorious Joe Token

One day, outside my house, I want to have one of those change machines that will change out your money for special "Joe Tokens". These Joe Tokens are the only things you'll be able to use to play in my arcade once you get inside my house. What no one knows is, I don't have an arcade in my house. Ha-Ha! Now you have a handfull of coins with my face on them and there's nothing you can do with them... No Refunds!

More Stupid Shirts...

I see a lot of shirts that say "Everything's Bigger in Texas." If that's true, they should only sell that shirt in sizes XXXL and XXXXL... No Exceptions!

A Simple Misunderstanding

I wonder if someone with a cold ever coughed while waiting in line at Starbucks. I bet he probably said something like, "Man I hate this coughing." I bet this guy got kicked out of Starbucks because they thought he said "Man I hate this coffee" instead of "I hate this coughing"... Starbucks probably owes this guy an apology

Why is the Moon Always Sleeping on the Job?

They always show pictures of the moon with a sleeping cap on, and he looks like he's ready to go to bed. All I got to say is "Hey Mr. Moon you better wake up cause you had your chance to sleep, but now it's night time and you gotta get work." I mean you never see the Sun sleeping during the day... Heck No! cause he's working hard giving us light all day long. "Moon, you're a lazy bastard, if anything you should be wearing a hard hat, not a sleeping cap."

666? I Mean Really?

What if the first guy who realized 666 was the "Mark of the Beast" read it upside down? I'm not trying to make anyone paranoid, but i'm just saying on September 9th, 2009 I'll be in my attic praying, if anyone wants to join me... And if you do want to join me it's B.Y.O.B. I'll provide the snacks, but please bring you're own beer.

You'll Always Have Your Friends

When you have a problem, a friend might say "Build a bridge and get over if." I guess that's good advice, but it's real hard to build a bridge over a person... especially if that person is your stupid friend telling you lame cliches about bridge-building and not giving you any usefull advice... What a crappy friend

Victims & Suckers

People use the term "Unsuspecting Victim", but is there really any other kind of victim?... I mean why would you hang around if you suspected something? I think if you're suspecting something and then you still become a victim, you're really more of a suspecting sucker than a victim.

Mission... Possible?

If it really was Mission Impossible, would there really be three movies... I mean if you survived through the first movie, then obviously the mission was possible. So the sequel shouldn't of been called "Mission Impossible II", but instead they should have called it "Mission Impossible: The Sequel to Mission Possible". Then after the second mission turned out to be possible, they should just called the third movie "Just Another Mission".

On a Serious Note...

Yesterday I was walking into target, and I realized they had about 16 Handicapped parking spaces. I remember back in the day when there would be about 2 or 4 Handicapped spots... What's going on here? All this time we've been worrying about Global Warming, and no one's bothered to notice that everyone's getting paralyzed... People, Global Paralyzation is amongst us, and if we don't do anything to stop it, I'm going to have to park across the street because the entire lot is for Handicapped People only!

What Do You Mean... Pudding?

If you're ever at a loss for words, try telling someone that they "Smell like pudding." No one really knows how to reacte to that... An optimist might think it's a compliment, while a pesimist might take it as an insult.

Someone Help My Baby!

I've thought about keeping a baby doll in my car... That way if I ever lock my keys in my car I can just start screaming about how my babies trapped inside and I need someone to break into my car. Then whenever they see the doll, they'll realize he's not moving and then they'll panic. Once they smash through my car window I can blame him, and then HE has to pay for my new window... Sucker!

I get into my car without having to pay a locksmith and I get a brand new window out of the deal. I don't see any way this could back-fire... it might just be my best idea yet.

The Laws of Feline Physics

Cats always land on their feet... But what if you put nails on the bottom of the cat's feet? Would the cat still land on it's feet, knowing that the impact would push the nails into the cat's paws. Or would the cat be able to break the laws of Feline Physics and not land on its feet?

Well I guess there are some things we're just not supposed to know... unless you enjoy killing cats, then this would probably be a pretty fun experiment.

An Almost Impossible Riddle

If you and me is three... how many more is four?

Whales & Seagulls...

Sometimes I think of whales. And when I think of whales I wonder if they could use long tubes to go from their blow-holes to the surface of the water. I think of how great an idea that would be for the whales, and how it would be like a giant snorkel and they would never have to come up for air...
Then I think of seagulls. And when I think of seagulls I wonder if they could ever fly into one of these giant, long, whale snorkels. I think of how seagulls will eat anything, and then I think of a seagull flying into a whale snorkel and eating out the whale's brain...

I now know why the perfect idea of the whale snorkel has not become a reality. I tell myself "Keep dreaming Joe", But I know one day, one day when whales and seagulls learn to live in peace, the whale snorkel won't be a silly dream anymore.

You Can't ♥ Everything

I saw a kid in my class wearing a shirt that said "I ♥ Diversity". Then a couple days later I saw him wearing a shirt that said "I ♥ Pine Cove". Now does this kid really love Diversity and Pine Cove, or does he just love wearing "I ♥" shirts. I think he's just throwing the word "Love" around like it's nothing... One thing's for sure, this kid needs to get his priorities straight, cause he's going to end up breaking a lot of hearts.

A Quick Tip

If you're ever digging for success... Dig Up!

All Women are Liars!

I got so excited when Ashley had a handful of Reese's Pieces in her hand because I love them so much. But then I noticed she was just eating a bunch of orange and yellow Skittles... I can't think of a time a women's lies has hurt me worse.

No Way Those Chicks are Twins

What if the twins from those Doublemint gum commericals aren't really twins. What if one of the twins is actually a time traveler, and she just went back in time and is now making commercials with her past self, and making twice the money. Next time you see one of those commercials, look and see if one twin looks a little older than the other one. Thats the one from the future!

Cell Phones Are So Much More Convienent

The guys in the matrix could have everything at their finger tips. From guns to helicopters, they had it all... except for a phone. They were always looking for a phone to get away from danger. I think a lot of lives could of been saved if they just invested in a family share plan.

G.I. Joe Sure Has a Lot of Tanks

If "Knowing" was half the battle, did G.I. Joe really need all those tanks to beat Cobra? I mean, what was the other half of the battle... whoever has the weirdest tanks and the coolest ninja guy that doesn't talk wins?... I'm no mathmetician, but it seems to me that if G.I. Joe just knew twice as much they would of been able to save a lot of money on tanks.

What... Funyuns?

What's so fun about Funyuns?... Oh wait now I remember, thanks for your help though.

Excuse Me, You're on My Turf.

If I ever started a gang, I don't think I'd have a gang color. Instead my gang color would be "Brick", and you'd always be on my turf.

The Perfect Woman

I remember when every girl wanted to be like their Barbie doll because she was the perfect women. But from what I remember, you couldn't bend Barbie's knees or elbows. So what made her so Perfect?... "Hey Barbie. wanna go run around like Frankenstein and then just stand around all day?"... "You do, God I love you Barbie, You're Perfect!"

What's the Deal with Hockey Masks?

Hockey masks have lost that speacial "Terror Factor" they once had. Today if I saw some crazed guy waving a chainsaw and wearing a hockey mask, I wouldn't run in terror... I would just think it's the goalie of the San Jose Sharks, and I bet I could take him as long as I hit him below the neck. I mean after all, he might not be scary, but he is still wearing a helmet.

You Don't Have to be a Nerd to Like the Library

It's a little known fact that the best place to make an entrance is the library. It's Perfect! everyone's just sitting there in silence, studying, waiting for something to happen. Thats when you make your entrance and dazzle everyone... Plus if the Librarian Shushes you, then you look like an even bigger B A. Oh and on a side note, once you entered the library try not to actually read a book, for fear that your cool entrance might be ruined by everyone thinking you're just a nerdy bookworm like them.

Safety Always Comes First

In school you might of been told that if you make fun of someone you have a low self-esteem. On the contrary, my self-esteem is perfect, I just didn't want my friend to get hurt by that chick's huge pointy nose. He could've lost an eye, or even Killed!... I was looking out for my friend's safety, and in school I was always taught "Safety First."... My point is, safety comes first, and being polite to chicks with pointy noses probably comes in sixth or maybe even seventh (depending on how pointy the nose really is).

The Curse of the Lava Lamp

"My eyes feel like my ears, and everyone's yelling!"

Daily Gun-slinging

From now on, whenever I leave from somewhere, I think I'm going to act like my hand is a gun and shoot at the door. That way I can always tell people "I shot my way out of there"... You have to respect any man who can do that and live to tell about it.

Fun With a Friend

If you need a quick laugh, go sit in a random class dressed like Clark Kent. Then have your friend pull the fire alarm. Once he does, stand up, wip off your glasses and announce that you have to go and dash out of the room... It'll be hilarious, and the best part is from now on all those kids in that class will think you're Superman. How's that for street-cred.

Everything's Better with Sunshine

If I could harness the power of the sun, I'd use it to burn my enemies... Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't kill them, I'd just give them a real bad sun burn. That way they'd have a long time to think about what they did before they died of skin cancer... In conclusion, it was the skin cancer that killed them, not Joe Lord of the Sun.

Bow before me, I am Joe Lord of the Sun!

The Full Five

After I give people a Hi-Five sometimes they complain that I hit their hand too hard. To this I say "Don't be mad at me cause you asked for the Hi-Five and I gave you the full Five." Maybe these Hi-Five rookies need to just go around asking for a Hi-Two or maybe a Hi-Three and work their way up to the Hi-Five... No longer will I take responsiblity for some young punk who gets hurt cause he thought he could handle the full Five when he wasn't ready.

The Softer Side of Murder

When a lot of people think about Ted Bundy I bet they just think about the mean and crazy murderer guy. But when I think about him I think of Al Bundy, and that makes me smile... So I guess what I'm trying to say is "Yes, Ted Bundy makes me smile."

Only on St. Patty's Day...

On St. Patrick's Day everyone is Irish, and that just doesn't work with other holidays?... I mean seriously, would we all be Jewish during Hanukkah? Or would we have to be misguided sailors on Columbus Day?... It just doesn't work, and that's why I'm Happy to be Irish on St. Patrick's Day.

You can call me Chevy...

Today at work my boss punched me and I told him it didn't hurt... Then I told him to call me Chevy, cause I'm like a rock.

Hot & Steamy Greetings

I think Hallmark and other greeting card companies want you to think their cards are made with Love... but I have a feeling they're made with Lust, cause if they were made with love it probably wouldn't be in my trash can two days after my birthday.

Feeling "Nutty"

Sometimes you feel like a nut and sometimes you don't... unless you're allergic to nuts, then sometimes you feel like a swollen face full of hives.

Unknown Heroes

Today I drove by the park and I saw some guy dressed in all black ninja gear practicing his sword skills alone in the gazebo... No Lie... In my opinion, swinging your sword around by yourself is more of a "Back yard in private" kinda thing and not so much a "Gazebo where everyone can see you thing"... However, there is a chance that he wasn't practicing, but actually defending us from invisible super ninjas... Thanks weird ninja guy, good to know you're on our side.

"I Did WHAT?"

I saw a guy at the bar wearing a shirt that said "I did WHAT last night?"... To this I reply, "You bought a gay t-shirt last night."

What Does Fire Prevention Prevent?

Smokey the Bear is a symbol for fire prevention, but whenever I see a bear in the forest wearing overalls and a hat I don't think fire safety... I think about some poor naked farmer who probably needs medical attention for all his bear wounds. I think Smokeys been hiding out in the forest for years, eating farmers, and he's going to keep doing so until we each grab a torch and burn that forest to the ground... Without a forest, Smokeys got no place to hide, and we can finally put an end to the curse of the farmer eating, overall wearing bear.

Dressing for the Occassion

If you're ever hiding in a tree, spying on some girl, try wearing nothing but your underwear... that way if the girl notices, you can just say you were practicing your Tarzan impression. And if that doesn't work just throw a banana at her and swing away before she calls the cops.

What ever happened to Surge?

I remember watching commercials for the soda Surge. One guy would yell "Surge!" and everyone would go crazy and race for that one can of Surge... I guess that's why you can't scream "Surge" in movie theaters.

Know Your Vegetables

I bet if Broccolli had a personality it would be kinda nerdy. Don't get me wrong, Broccolli would still be popular because it hangs out with cheese... and every food wants to party with cheese!

Making a "Better" You

Therapists might talk about how you have to conquer your "Inner Demons" in order to make yourself a better person... so I tried doing that, and they're so right! Now at parties I tell people I'm a Demon Slayer... How cool is that for an opening line?

Fish Aren't Worth Fixing

Fish aren't worth fixing. When your fish get sick, you don't take them to the Vet, you take them to the toilet... If we were fish I think less people would call in sick, because everyone would be afraid their boss would come and flush their heads in the toilet... On second thought, It probably wouldn't change a thing, cause I know plenty of times I would rather have my head flushed than go to work.

Consequences of a Lame Conversation

This guy and girl sitting behind me are having the lamest conversation about sports right now... I wish they'd stop being so lame and just "Do it" already. But then they'd have lame babies, and sooner or later I'd be hearing another lame sports conversation.

Out-Smarting Dinosaurs

If i'm ever being chased by a T-Rex I would probably just challenge him to a thumb war. Even if he cheats and uses a helper I still think I could beat him... I mean C'mon I got three fingers up on him.

I Never Worked at What-A-Burger

I have a shirt from What-A-Burger, and everytime I wear it someone says "Hey when did you work at What-A-burger?" And to them I say, "The same time you worked at Abercrombie."

Positive Ice Cream Thinking

Today I saw a pint of Ben & Jerry's ice cream, and it was flavored half cookie dough and half fudge brownie. Really Ben?... Really Jerry?... Do we have to mix all these flavors just to impress people? When will Ben and Jerry just realize that all they have to do to impress people is to just be themselves.

Similies & Metaphors

I always use similies instead of metaphors, because when I say "That stop sign is red like a fire truck," it means the sign is red... But when my friend says "That stop sign is a giant red oppressive monster," it means he's back on the drugs and I should've found another ride home.

If I Could Be An Animal...

If I could be an animal, any animal, I would be a "Puma-ppotamus" then I would look like a hippo, but I would be gracefull like a puma... Plus I have a pair of Puma shoes so i'm already half way there. And if someone has a problem with the Puma-ppotamus... well then they probably don't like animals, and anyone who doesn't like animals is probably a jerk anyways

My Kinda Party

Sometimes I would take a piece of paper with me to parties so I could write down funny things that happened, so when I got trashed at parties I would remember it all in the morning... Man I go to some Awesome parties cause every morning I found out I drew pictures of naked girls with big hooters and wrote down fart jokes!

Dairy Queen

Once I went to Dairy Queen to get a Blizzard, but when I got there they said they were out of ice cream. Out of ice cream?... how can you be the Queen of dairy if you don't have any dairy? If I was the Dairy Queen I would be afraid of a revolution. Who knows, once the revolution hits, we could be getting delicious Blizzards at the new Dairy Democracy... I know the name isn't as catchy but it represents freedom, and I respect that in a name

Lowering Your Ears

Why do people say they got their ears lowered instead of saying they got a haircut? everyone knows they didn't actually get their ears lowered... honestly I don't care whether or not you got a haircut, I just don't think we have anything in common so i'm forced to talk about your boring new haircut...

Ready to Rumble?

I saw an advertisement for Valentine's day stuff and it had this picture of a Bull dog and it was asking if I was "Ready to Rumble"?... Ready to Rumble? does this dog actually want to fight me?... I think he's missing the whole spirit of Valentine's Day

That Lousy T-shirt

You always see people wearing shirts that say "I did so and so and all I got was this lousy T-shirt". But if it's so lousy why do they still wear the shirt? These people need to stop "fence-riding" and either appreciate the shirt they have, or just not wear the lousy shirt. If anyone brings me one of these shirts and says it's not so lousy after all and they're sorry for misjudging it, I will personally draw a line through the word "Lousy" and write "Pretty Good"... yeah I think thats a good start to making this world a better place for everyone, including shirts

MSG...

Everyone bad mouths MSG. They say mean things like "I'll just be hungry again in an hour," or "You don't use any of that MSG right?" Why is everyone so prejudice against MSG? I think it's a great concept. Really hungry now but running a marathon later? try MSG it'll fill you up but won't hold you back from that 10K later on. Really like Chinese food? well now you can come back in an hour when you're hungry again, and have even more. I'm not sure what M S G stands for but to me it stands for More Sweet Grubbin'.

Halloween

On Halloween we should really have a list of costumes that are "played out", and you are no longer allowed to use... like do we really need the loser who wants to dress up like a girl? or do I really want to be at a halloween party with Jesus so he can forgive me all my halloween sins?... Instead we should bring back some of the old school ideas that don't get used anymore. I want to party with more back halfs of a horse at my next Halloween party!

Drugs...

I've done drugs before, but not anymore... the way I see if I want to sit around and do nothing while expanding my mind, i'll just read a book... and we all know i'm not reading no books. In conclusion, stick to Tv and Alcohol

Dealing With Your Problems

Sometimes if you wait long enough your problems fix themselves... and sometimes if you wait even longer, they become someone else's problems... and sometimes if you wait even longer... well, nevermind, it really doesn't matter cause they're not your problems anymore

What you did this summer

I told Vic I knew what he did last summer... he told me he lifeguarded last summer... but I already knew that

The Airport

Why would the airport lie to us? well that settles it... Frequent Flyer NO MORE!

Curtains and Blinds

The chick in front of me just moved the curtain to look outside but the blinds were closed. If I was that chick I would be depressed... but i'm not so it's funny

Jimmy Durany

Today in class my Teacher was talking, and he asked if anyone remembered Jimmy Durany... seriously?... how bout next time he just asks the class if anyone is really old

Saved By the Bell

Hey... Remember that episode of Saved By the Bell where Slater calls Zack "Preppy", Screech says something dumb, and Zack gets the girl?... cause that was a good episode