Sad Children Play Too

Some neighborhoods have signs up that say "Happy Children at Play." This way you'll know to slow down and drive safe. Now I don't know if these neighborhoods are prejudice against sad children, but one thing's for sure... If I see a sad kid playing in one of these neighborhoods, it's only fair that I get to hit him with my car.

A Well Known... And a Little Known Fact

• It's a Well Known Fact that counting sheep can help you fall asleep.
• It's a Little Known Fact that if you ever can count to 1000 sheep... your head will explode
  

The Glorious Joe Token

One day, outside my house, I want to have one of those change machines that will change out your money for special "Joe Tokens". These Joe Tokens are the only things you'll be able to use to play in my arcade once you get inside my house. What no one knows is, I don't have an arcade in my house. Ha-Ha! Now you have a handfull of coins with my face on them and there's nothing you can do with them... No Refunds!

More Stupid Shirts...

I see a lot of shirts that say "Everything's Bigger in Texas." If that's true, they should only sell that shirt in sizes XXXL and XXXXL... No Exceptions!

A Simple Misunderstanding

I wonder if someone with a cold ever coughed while waiting in line at Starbucks. I bet he probably said something like, "Man I hate this coughing." I bet this guy got kicked out of Starbucks because they thought he said "Man I hate this coffee" instead of "I hate this coughing"... Starbucks probably owes this guy an apology

Why is the Moon Always Sleeping on the Job?

They always show pictures of the moon with a sleeping cap on, and he looks like he's ready to go to bed. All I got to say is "Hey Mr. Moon you better wake up cause you had your chance to sleep, but now it's night time and you gotta get work." I mean you never see the Sun sleeping during the day... Heck No! cause he's working hard giving us light all day long. "Moon, you're a lazy bastard, if anything you should be wearing a hard hat, not a sleeping cap."

666? I Mean Really?

What if the first guy who realized 666 was the "Mark of the Beast" read it upside down? I'm not trying to make anyone paranoid, but i'm just saying on September 9th, 2009 I'll be in my attic praying, if anyone wants to join me... And if you do want to join me it's B.Y.O.B. I'll provide the snacks, but please bring you're own beer.

You'll Always Have Your Friends

When you have a problem, a friend might say "Build a bridge and get over if." I guess that's good advice, but it's real hard to build a bridge over a person... especially if that person is your stupid friend telling you lame cliches about bridge-building and not giving you any usefull advice... What a crappy friend

Victims & Suckers

People use the term "Unsuspecting Victim", but is there really any other kind of victim?... I mean why would you hang around if you suspected something? I think if you're suspecting something and then you still become a victim, you're really more of a suspecting sucker than a victim.

Mission... Possible?

If it really was Mission Impossible, would there really be three movies... I mean if you survived through the first movie, then obviously the mission was possible. So the sequel shouldn't of been called "Mission Impossible II", but instead they should have called it "Mission Impossible: The Sequel to Mission Possible". Then after the second mission turned out to be possible, they should just called the third movie "Just Another Mission".

On a Serious Note...

Yesterday I was walking into target, and I realized they had about 16 Handicapped parking spaces. I remember back in the day when there would be about 2 or 4 Handicapped spots... What's going on here? All this time we've been worrying about Global Warming, and no one's bothered to notice that everyone's getting paralyzed... People, Global Paralyzation is amongst us, and if we don't do anything to stop it, I'm going to have to park across the street because the entire lot is for Handicapped People only!

What Do You Mean... Pudding?

If you're ever at a loss for words, try telling someone that they "Smell like pudding." No one really knows how to reacte to that... An optimist might think it's a compliment, while a pesimist might take it as an insult.

Someone Help My Baby!

I've thought about keeping a baby doll in my car... That way if I ever lock my keys in my car I can just start screaming about how my babies trapped inside and I need someone to break into my car. Then whenever they see the doll, they'll realize he's not moving and then they'll panic. Once they smash through my car window I can blame him, and then HE has to pay for my new window... Sucker!

I get into my car without having to pay a locksmith and I get a brand new window out of the deal. I don't see any way this could back-fire... it might just be my best idea yet.