Retirement Plans...

I think when I retire I'm going to open a ceiling fan store. Not just any ceiling fan store, but one where you can come and customize your fan exactly the way you want it. I think I'll name my store "Number 1 Fan".

Annoying People for $500

Watching Jeopardy with someone that shouts out stupid guesses for every question... What is, the most annoying way to spend 30 minutes of your day?

The Real Culprit

Why must it be curiosity that killed the cat... Sometimes it's just traffic.

Sweet Nothings

Why would you whisper sweet nothings into someone's ear? I'd much rather have sweet somethings whispered into mine. Anyone trying to whisper nothing into my ear needs to get out my ear, and quit wasting my time.

Better Representation

How come during the Renaissance Festival no one dresses up like a turkey leg? Come on! It's the coolest part of the festival, it should get a little more representation, don't you think.

Muppet Babies

If Kermit the frog and Miss Piggy ever had babies I wonder if they would be frogs, pigs, or some sort of frog-pig combo? Or maybe their babies would just be bears, but then Fozzie would probably have some explaining to do.

Dirty Belts

I don't touch other people's belts. If you think about it, people don't wash their hands till after they pull their pants up. Hence, they still got their poop koodies all over their belts. Think about that next time you lick another man's buckle... Gross!

Good Security

I saw this security guard playing on her cell phone, and I thought of how bad she is at her job. Then I noticed her phone was a Razor, so if something did go down she could probably spring into action and cut all the criminals... Now that's crime fighting!

Get a Hobby

If you're in need of a hobby you can try being a Private Investigator. It's Easy! Next time you have some free time, just pick out a car and follow it around for a while. This will give you a chance to work on your tailing skills. Also, be sure to take a lot of pictures just like a real P.I. would. Sounds like your boring day just got a whole lot more fun... Next week's lesson, "Aviator Glasses & Moustaches for Beginners".

After What?

Fairy tales always end with "And they all lived happily ever after". But I always wondered... after what? Doesn't seem like a very good ending if you ask me, too many unanswered questions.

Break From Work

Work got you down? Need a break? Next time you're a work and you need to get away just go hideout in the men's room. If done right, you can score around 20 minutes of uninterrupted break-time. Trust me, no one will say anything. If there's one thing I know, it's that no one ever got fired for pooping.

The Funniest Burden to Bare

When talking about jokes people will often use the term "Side-splitting". However, I've actually made a guy's side split open from laughing at one of my jokes, and there was nothing funny about that... I mean, the joke was hilarious, but I'm always going to have to live with what I did to that poor man.

What was I Thinking?

If I didn't have any arms or legs I could probably fit inside a backpack. Then I could easily carry myself around, and never have to walk anywhere. But wait, how could I wear the backpack if I didn't have any arms?

Dressing the Part

It is unacceptable to wear a big orange shirt as a substitute for dressing up on Halloween. Unless of course you're actually dressing up as a Giant Tool. In which case, bravo... you nailed it.

Eating Without the Guilt

I feel guilty about eating cows because if they had the chance they wouldn't eat me... Now a lion, on the other hand, that's a different story. If anyone knows where I could get a Lion Burger, that's a guilt-free meal I'd be interested in.

Just Ask...

I've heard of people shooting themselves in the foot to get out of the military... I wonder if they ever tried just asking? Who knows maybe your Drill Sergeant is having a really good day. Besides what's the worst that could happen, he gets so mad that HE shoots off your toe? It's a win-win.

Peter's a Dog!

I don't like it when people give their pets people names, cause when they talk about "Peter" I think they're talking about they're stupid friend that I don't care about... But when I realize they're actually talking about an adorable puppy, it makes me wish I gave a crap about what they were saying in the first place, because now all I have is the second part of what could of been a very cute dog anecdote.

Gays, Grapes, and the Color Purple

It's not really fair that a guy can't like the color purple without people thinking he's a little gay. I mean tons of straight things are purple. Grapes are purple, and they've been around way longer than homosexuals... Yep, there's nothing straighter than a bunch of guys sitting around eating grapes.

My Best Friend

They say Dog is "Man's best friend." But what if you have a two-headed dog? Is one head a better friend then the other?

Leprosy

Why does everyone think Leprosy is such a bad disease to have? Personally I'd love to turn into a leopard.

For Short...

I really like M&Ms. However, I like to call them "Mms" for short.

Duran Duran

Instead of calling it "Hungry like the Wolf", Duran Duran really should of sang "Hungry like the Hippo". Now that's a song I can relate too!

Magic 8 Ball

I think whoever invented the Magic 8 Ball was probably really good at pool... or maybe he wasn't. I'm not really sure, outlook hazy.

Setting an Example

Was Mr. Potato Head like the Frankenstein of the vegetable community? And if so, why didn't the vegetables light up their torches and chase him out of town? I'll tell you why, because vegetables have a little something called Tolerance, and we could all learn a little something from their example.

A Bathroom Buddy

At work today I used the restroom twice, and both times the same guy was there. I don't like being on the same pee schedule as another man... There's nothing wrong with it, but there's nothing right about it either.

Let's Be Honest

They call it Play-Doh because it's dough that you can play with, but let's be honest with ourselves... Shouldn't it really be called Play-and-Eat-Doh.

I'm No Archaeologist...

I'm no archaeologist, but I'm pretty sure walruses evolved from saber-tooth tigers.

"Sweetie"

The lady at the supermarket was so nice, she even called me Sweetie. Then I noticed she called the person behind me Sweetie too... What a whore

Friends With Secrets...

Friends who pinch your nipples secretly aren't your friend... and the secrets out.

3 Men and a Tow Truck...

Today I saw a truck for "3 Men Moving Company" broke down on the side of the road. I thought it was really cool cause there was actually 3 men there trying to fix the truck. I bet those guys are wishing it was called "3 Men and a Tow Truck Moving Company."

A Breath of Fresh Air

The key to choosing an air freshener is finding the scent that smells the most like "not-poop".

"PB & J"

Can you imagine if a "PB & J" stood for "Pickles, Butter and Jelly"? I know I can't, that's just gross.

Got A New Drug

My favorite drug would have to be placebos, cause they always get me as high as I want!

A Little Known Fact

It's a little known fact that when filming Shark Week, all the stunts were actually performed by dolphins. If you don't believe me, just ask any dolphin... they'll tell you what's up.

A Sinking Solution

If you ever fall into quicksand try not to panic. Instead try building a sandcastle, preferably one with stairs.

Roads?...

Roads?... Where we're going we don't need roads... the airport

Doing My Usual

A guy at work asked me what's up, and I replied "The usual." However, it was during my lunch, and I was eating a taco when I talked to him. So now there's a guy at work who thinks all I do is sit around and eat tacos all day.

The Quicker Picker Upper

I think a cool power would be the ability to turn my hands into paper towels. You might not be impressed, but I don't plan on fighting crime anytime soon, however, I do spill things a lot. Just imagine how handy it would be around the house or at parties.

The Disappearance of Pac Man

You can never find the original Pac Man in arcades anymore. Instead it's all Mrs. Pac Man, and you want to know why? Because Pac Man is at work all day supporting the family while Mrs. Pac Man runs around with strange ghosts and eats all the food she can stuff in her face. Women... typical.

Making a Better Burger

If I was a farmer I'd give my cows umbrella hats so they could keep their heads dry while they're standing in the rain. After all, dry cows are happy cows, and happy cows make happy beef... everyone knows that.

The Other Car...

Today I saw a car with a sticker that said "My other car is a rocket." Somehow I doubt this guy has a rocket in his garage with a sticker that says "My other car is a crappy Nissan Pathfinder."

The Truth About Donuts & Bagels

The difference between Donuts and Bagels is simple. Bagels are made by the Jewish. If a Donut is made by a Jewish baker than technically it is in fact a Bagel. You may still call it a Donut if you like, but be aware that you are insensitive to the Jewish people and the hardships they have suffered.

Special Thanks...

Thank you Self-Check Out, now I can finally stop shoplifting condoms to avoid that look of shame from the cashiers.

I Mean Seriously Folks...

Instead of "Cellulite" we should really start calling it "Cellu-heavy"... I mean seriously folks.

Setting Goals...

Setting goals is when you're driving home from work around 6:15 and you pass a strip club with a sign that says "Free cover til' 6."

A Tasty Fact

Whoever created chocolate pudding was actually trying to invent tasty poop.

Lead By Example

A friend of mine said something and then right after he said "It goes without saying." But he just said it like 5 seconds ago. Way to lead by example... some friend.

The First Slaves...

Scientist have many theories on why the dinosaurs became extinct. The truth is, they were all put into captivity by the people of Bedrock, and were unable to breed because they were forced into slave labor such as washing dishes and vacuuming floors... hence, they all died.

A Better, Cleaner Body

Exercising wouldn't be such a hassle if you didn't have to take a shower afterwards. That's why I plan on putting a weightbench in my shower. Instead of a personal trainer, I'll just hire someone to keep soaping me up and scrubbing me down while I pump that iron.

Laughter, Party Of One...

He who laughs at his own jokes, Laughs alone.

Trust Issues

Never trust anyone wearing a big hat... You never know what's under there.

Future Dissappointments

I caught an episode of Start Trek, and Captain Kirk was using what looked like a Motorola RAZR to talk to his buddies aboard the Enterprise... Apparently we can have the cell phone of the future, but I still have to pay $4 a gallon to put gas in my non-flying car.

Special Thanks...

Thanks Magnum P.I. for letting us know that Casual Friday isn't just for Fridays anymore.

Everything's a Dollar... Lies are Free

Dollar Tree is a dollar store, however, Dollar General and Family Dollar are not dollar stores... Do not be fooled by their deception.

Simple Solutions

Remember the movie Killer Tomatoes? You think the solution would of just been, "Let's make a lot of Ketchup."

Fowl Play

I haven't trusted an owl since I saw that Tootsie Pop commercial, where the Owl ate all that boy's sucker. Especially talking owls... they're the worst.

White VS. Yellow

Regular white notebook paper is good, but if you're trying to make a paper banana, you should really use yellow notebook paper instead.

Waste of Time & Space

Anyone who keeps unused ketchup packets for later isn't actually saving ketchup packets at all... they're wasting drawer space.

Fruit for Thought

My favorite fruit is definitely the banana. However, if you ask me I'll probably just say it's the apple, so you won't make any penis jokes.

Lost in Translation

A friend of mine didn't know that when you mix all the sodas together in one cup it's known as a "Suicide"... I bet the people at Burger King looked at him funny when he asked for all the drinks in one cup.

More on the Subject of Urination...

About a week before going on a roadtrip it's a good idea to start peeing in bottles. This will give you good practice, and you'll start getting a pretty good idea of how many bottles you can fill in one sitting, so you can plan accordingly. Remember, you can never be to prepared when peeing in a car.

The Great Outdoors

When camping it's a good idea to pee right in the middle of the campsite, because I've seen too many movies where somebody gets lost or killed cause they had to wander off to take a leak. Remember, Safety First.

Bless You...

When someone gets into a sneezing fit you're only obligated to say "Bless you" once. Don't be suckered into feeling like you have to keep blessing them just because they can't stop sneezing. Believe me there are other people out there who could use the extra blessings a little more than ol' Sneezing Sally.

The Truth Behind Fourthmeal...

In order to attract more customers, the people at Taco Bell thought it would be easier to add an entire new meal to the day than to create a taco that didn't give you diarrhea. Clearly we should leave making Mexican food to the experts... Jack In The Box, they make tacos by the pair!

School Zone's Out For The Summer

Why do I still have to drive 20 miles an hour in a school zone at 9 am when all the kids are in school by 8 o' clock? From now on, any kid who wants to be tardy to class is going to have to dodge me going to full speed limit... These late kids are either going to learn how to show up to class on time, or how to tuck and roll when I'm coming at you at 45 mph talking on a cell phone.

Mood Rings...

What color does your mood ring turn if you're feeling ripped off?

Evil At The Workplace

I think the work place would be more effective if everyone had at least one co-worker who was evil. Just imagine how much more productive you'd be if you had to watch you're back all day. No more zoning out at work, because today might be the day Peterson in accounting gets his death-ray fully operational.

Big Trouble In Little Tokyo

If you don't believe in Godzilla and the giant monsters that attack Tokyo just think of Mothra... I bet if all these monsters were make believe, they would've come up with something a little cooler than a giant moth. I mean come on, I think Asians are a little more creative than that.

Joe Prindiville... the Motion Picture

If my life was a movie I'd probably want it to be a romantic comedy because It would be funny AND I'd totally get the girl at the end... Hopefully it would be one of those romantic comedies with a lot of explosions and a couple of zombies in it too.

What's In Your Beard?

If I had a huge beard I would hide stuff inside it, and if I could hide stuff in it I would hide another beard in there. That way whenever someone complimented me on my beard I would be able to give them a starter beard of their own. Just my way of growing a better community, one beard at a time.

A Tasty Accident

A friend of mine got in a car accident and I didn't know how to cheer her up, so I said hopefully next time it would be a cake accident... Delicious!

America's Next Leaders

Voting is cool and all, but there's got to be a better way to choose America's next leaders. For example, all candidates should stop wasting their time campaigning and just play Scrabble. Whoever wins is clearly the smartest and best man for the job of President. Then they should all play Risk and the winner will be Secretary of Defense. Finally the remaining candidates will play Mouse Trap to see who is Secretary of Pest Control & Contraption Building.

RAB DAR GAB...

Remember RAB DAR GAB (Read a book Do a Report Get a buck)? Did anyone ever read those reports, or did they just give you the buck. Cause if they don't read the report it sends kids the message that any lazy jerk-off can just scribble some words down and get a buck. That's whats wrong with society these days... everyone's writing, but no one's reading.

New & Improved Expressions

I think the expression "It's raining cats & dogs" is old and outdated. We should try spicing it up with a new phrase... Personally I would like to suggest referring to a hard rain as "Raining Grandmas & Grandpas." Try it, and I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.

A New Invention of Mine

I think a good addition to public restrooms would be the "Disposable Shoe Guard". That way when you're taking a dump you can cover your shoes so people won't be able to identify you after that god-awful smell-fest you made in the men's room... Patent Pending of course

I Wonder..

I wonder if a cop ever used rubberbands as handcuffs because he left his at home on accident. What I don't wonder is whether or not that cop is now a raging alcoholic after being fired from the force.

Some Solid Advice

If you ever want to make a girl shut up just call her fat... This also works if you want her to stop eating for a couple of days.

Poison Control

If we made all poisonous stuff look like poop we could prevent a lot of accidental deaths... Not all of em' though, cause there's a lot of weirdos out there.

Just a Thought

At work someone told me I was dumb for eating my Pop-tart without toasting it. What he didn't know was that if I cared what he thought then I'd probably care enough to stop waking up 15 minutes before work so I could have a real breakfast... Just a thought.

"Breakfast Foul!"

How come whenever you're at a party and spill some beer, someone has to call you out for making a "Party Foul". This individual couldn't be a bigger tool. However, in his defense it's probably the way he was raised. I bet when he was little, whenever he spilled some milk, his mom probably came running in screaming "Breakfast Foul!" Then she'd probably tell him to stop being a fag, and drink it off the floor.

The Theory of Evolution

I was at Best Buy and noticed they were selling World Of Warcraft T-shirts, thus proving that even the "Kick-me" sign has evolved.

Airplane Safety...

Never wear parachute pants on an airplane. Because if there's a shortage of parachutes, everyone will probably assume that you have the best chance of jumping without one... If it is laundry day, and wearing parachute pants is unavoidable just remember... "Can't touch this"

Some of My Stock Tips

I don't know too much about the economy or stocks, but I have heard of a Bull Market and a Bear Market... I'm not sure which would be the better investment, but that sounds like a hell of a fight. My money's on the Bear Market!

If the World Was a Sweeter Place

If your hands were made of ice cream your mother would probably say "Don't lick your hands or else you won't have them anymore." However, they're probably going to melt anyways, so I'd rather enjoy a little ice cream before I lose my hands... That's right even with ice cream hands, I still control my own destiny.

A Thought on the Re-occuring

Sometimes I have a feeling that I 've written something twice... but it's ok cause what are the odds you're having the same feeling about reading it twice?

The Truth about Superman

I think Superman's only true power is that he is "Super Greedy"... I mean come on, he had like every power. Super speed, super strength, he can fly, heat vision... "How bout you save some for the rest of us ya Super Jerk!"

Defending Aquaman's Rep.

I think Aquaman has a lame reputation, and he's just not one of the cooler superheroes. This sucks for aquaman cause it's not like he can try to make friends by inviting them over to his lair. I'd rather just watch the game over at the Batcave without having to use a scuba-suit. However, in Aquaman's defense, he does have the "Hooking up with Mermaids" monopoly on lock-down... One thing is for sure, Aquaman would be a lot cooler if he had a lobster-gun.

I also believe Aquaman should start smoking. I don't know what "Big Truth" has told you about tobacco, but people who smoke are tough and look cool. Besides Aquaman can breathe underwater, I think his lungs can handle a little smoke. Also Aquaman has the whole "aqua" thing covered but he forgot one aspect that could really improve his popularity... Aquaman needs to strap on an eye-patch, and start being a little more "piratey". Thanks to Johnny Depp pirates are cool now, and now so are you Aquaman.

Pink Shirts... and The Questions They Pose

I saw a guy wearing a pink shirt that said "Don't laugh, this is your girlfriend's shirt." I wasn't laughing... but I was wondering why my girlfriend would own a shirt that says "Don't laugh, this is your girlfriend's shirt."... and why did she never mention it?

Cleaning Up Their Act

Why are homeless people so dirty? All They do is just stand there with a sign. You'd think they'd be able to stay pretty clean.

Changing Trends

You used to get made fun of for wearing a shirt with a "fag tag" on the back. But now it would probably be cool as part of the whole Metro-sexual fashion style.

Unique Fashion

Dress socks are like a snowflakes... no two pairs look the same. Unless you just buy black socks, then you're probably not open-minded enough to see my point.

Stereotypes...

A lot of people don't believe in stereotypes. To those people I say "Sony!"... Now that is clearly a type of stereo.

Is Awesome a Color?

I believe that one way to tell a person's favorite color is by what they wear the most. That's why I can honestly say that my favorite color is "Awesomeness".

Misunderstood Passion

If you saw a fat person with chocolate all over their lips you'd probably think they're disgusting. But what if that chocolate was from a Hershey Kiss? Then they're just passionate.

"The Q Effect"

We don't really need the letter "Q" in the alphabet. However, we keep it in there so when playing Scrabble, someone always gets screwed because they picked up a Q but don't have a U... Experts call this phenomenon, "The Q Effect".

Covered in Shame

Some people choose pencils over pens because you can erase your mistakes. However, you can't erase the fact that now you're covered in eraser shavings because you're a mistake-making idiot who should of been fired two weeks ago.

A Miracle Cure

While using the Teacher's restroom at school, I noticed a can of disinfectant. On this very special can was a list of all the bacteria and germs it killed. Included in this list was none other than AIDS... Apparently we can not cure AIDS, unless of course it's on a toilet seat. In that case we can just spray it to death... Long story short, I stole the disinfectant and plan on bathing in the stuff regularly.

Everything has its Opposite

I believe the opposite of "Lottery" is "Pregnancy Scare".

There Can Only Be One... SUV

A big question is which SUV is actually the safest to drive. Allow me to clear this up for everyonel... The Toyota Highlander is the safest SUV to drive. Why? you ask, well it's actually pretty obvious... Everyone knows that You can not kill a Highlander. Highlanders are immortal and can only be killed by other Highlanders. So clearly I would feel a whole lot safer in my immortal Toyota Highlander than in your lame Nissan Xterra... I hope I was able to answer everyone's questions.

Noticeable Whites & Invisible Shoes

Why do people make such a big deal about mixing their colors and their whites when doing laundry? Who cares if your whites get messed up... nobody sees em'. If I do my laundry and find a pink sock instead of a white one all it means is I can't wear my invisible shoes that day.

A Special Day

Most people remember taking school pictures when they were younger. I, on the other hand, fondly think of it as "Free Comb Day."