What's the Deal with Hockey Masks?

Hockey masks have lost that speacial "Terror Factor" they once had. Today if I saw some crazed guy waving a chainsaw and wearing a hockey mask, I wouldn't run in terror... I would just think it's the goalie of the San Jose Sharks, and I bet I could take him as long as I hit him below the neck. I mean after all, he might not be scary, but he is still wearing a helmet.

You Don't Have to be a Nerd to Like the Library

It's a little known fact that the best place to make an entrance is the library. It's Perfect! everyone's just sitting there in silence, studying, waiting for something to happen. Thats when you make your entrance and dazzle everyone... Plus if the Librarian Shushes you, then you look like an even bigger B A. Oh and on a side note, once you entered the library try not to actually read a book, for fear that your cool entrance might be ruined by everyone thinking you're just a nerdy bookworm like them.

Safety Always Comes First

In school you might of been told that if you make fun of someone you have a low self-esteem. On the contrary, my self-esteem is perfect, I just didn't want my friend to get hurt by that chick's huge pointy nose. He could've lost an eye, or even Killed!... I was looking out for my friend's safety, and in school I was always taught "Safety First."... My point is, safety comes first, and being polite to chicks with pointy noses probably comes in sixth or maybe even seventh (depending on how pointy the nose really is).

The Curse of the Lava Lamp

"My eyes feel like my ears, and everyone's yelling!"

Daily Gun-slinging

From now on, whenever I leave from somewhere, I think I'm going to act like my hand is a gun and shoot at the door. That way I can always tell people "I shot my way out of there"... You have to respect any man who can do that and live to tell about it.

Fun With a Friend

If you need a quick laugh, go sit in a random class dressed like Clark Kent. Then have your friend pull the fire alarm. Once he does, stand up, wip off your glasses and announce that you have to go and dash out of the room... It'll be hilarious, and the best part is from now on all those kids in that class will think you're Superman. How's that for street-cred.

Everything's Better with Sunshine

If I could harness the power of the sun, I'd use it to burn my enemies... Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't kill them, I'd just give them a real bad sun burn. That way they'd have a long time to think about what they did before they died of skin cancer... In conclusion, it was the skin cancer that killed them, not Joe Lord of the Sun.

Bow before me, I am Joe Lord of the Sun!

The Full Five

After I give people a Hi-Five sometimes they complain that I hit their hand too hard. To this I say "Don't be mad at me cause you asked for the Hi-Five and I gave you the full Five." Maybe these Hi-Five rookies need to just go around asking for a Hi-Two or maybe a Hi-Three and work their way up to the Hi-Five... No longer will I take responsiblity for some young punk who gets hurt cause he thought he could handle the full Five when he wasn't ready.

The Softer Side of Murder

When a lot of people think about Ted Bundy I bet they just think about the mean and crazy murderer guy. But when I think about him I think of Al Bundy, and that makes me smile... So I guess what I'm trying to say is "Yes, Ted Bundy makes me smile."

Only on St. Patty's Day...

On St. Patrick's Day everyone is Irish, and that just doesn't work with other holidays?... I mean seriously, would we all be Jewish during Hanukkah? Or would we have to be misguided sailors on Columbus Day?... It just doesn't work, and that's why I'm Happy to be Irish on St. Patrick's Day.

You can call me Chevy...

Today at work my boss punched me and I told him it didn't hurt... Then I told him to call me Chevy, cause I'm like a rock.

Hot & Steamy Greetings

I think Hallmark and other greeting card companies want you to think their cards are made with Love... but I have a feeling they're made with Lust, cause if they were made with love it probably wouldn't be in my trash can two days after my birthday.

Feeling "Nutty"

Sometimes you feel like a nut and sometimes you don't... unless you're allergic to nuts, then sometimes you feel like a swollen face full of hives.

Unknown Heroes

Today I drove by the park and I saw some guy dressed in all black ninja gear practicing his sword skills alone in the gazebo... No Lie... In my opinion, swinging your sword around by yourself is more of a "Back yard in private" kinda thing and not so much a "Gazebo where everyone can see you thing"... However, there is a chance that he wasn't practicing, but actually defending us from invisible super ninjas... Thanks weird ninja guy, good to know you're on our side.

"I Did WHAT?"

I saw a guy at the bar wearing a shirt that said "I did WHAT last night?"... To this I reply, "You bought a gay t-shirt last night."