A Girl Named Judy

Today I was talking with a girl named Judy when it hit me. Who names their daughter Judy? In fact I don't think I've ever met a girl named Judy. Then I thought of Judy Jetson. That's when I realized that we are not yet ready for the name Judy, and in time we will accept it just like flying cars and robot maids named Rosie.

A Forgotten Legend

Since the beginning of time, people have become legends for showing amazing feats of strength. But it has come to my attention that we have overlooked one of these legends... Scrooge McDuck was known as a wealthy, stingy, selfish old man, but we forgot his amazing physical strength. He is the only person I have ever known to dive head first into a pool of coins, only to swim around doing flips and somersaults. Must I also mention that he did all this swimming without a lifeguard present... Clearly Scrooge McDuck is a god among other Ducks, and should be remembered as such. Thanks for the memories Mr McDuck.

Shirts, Liars, & Ugos...

Today I saw a girl wearing a shirt that said "Kiss me I'm Italian." Truth is, if she really wanted me to kiss her all she had to wear was a shirt saying "Kiss me I'm attractive." Unfortunately for her she was not attractive and I don't kiss liars, or people who let their shirts lie for them... or ugly people in general.

An Actual Fued of Families

Has anything ever been decided because of the Family Fued? Just once I want it to be an actual fued of families. Trouble with the neighbors? No Problem, just challenge them to the Family Fued. Whoever loses moves, and the winner... well the winner gets to play fast money for a chance at $20,000. Because that's just how the game is played.

Free Advertising

I've noticed a bunch of religious people have a bumper sticker on their car that reads, "My Boss is a Jewish Carpenter." What they don't know is that somewhere out there, Steinberg's Hardwood Floors is getting a lot of free advertising thanks to them.

Where My Genie At?

I went through a phase where everytime I came across a lamp I would rub it just to see if it contained a magical genie that would grant me wishes... Of course now I realize how silly I was. Now instead of rubbing, I break every lamp I see... If I can't have my genie, No One Can!

Tug-O-Death!

If Gumby and Stretch Armtstrong were in a Tug-O-War who would win? Well the answer is none of them would win... In fact during the Tug-O-War, both of their arms would snap off, and they would each be slung at incredible speeds into outer space. So the real question is, Who can hold their breath longer?

You Are One Smart Cookie

If I was able to get all the fortune cookies in the world, I would play all of their lottery numbers. And if I didn't win, I could sue those cookie bastards for everything. But I bet after winning, the fortune cookie people would probably appeal and win, because one of their cookies said I would be very prosperous... and of course it would be right... "Man!" there's just no out-smarting those crafty Asians!

The Truth Behind FrankenBerry

Since Frankenstein is made up from the parts of dead people, is FrankenBerry made from parts of dead berries or parts of dead breakfast cereal mascots?
Actually the answer is neither... FrankenBerry is just an ugly person whose parents were too lazy to name him properly, and the only reason he got the job with the cereal is because he agreed to let General Mills spray paint him pink.

Besides there's no such thing as a dead breakfast cereal mascot... everyone knows they are timeless and live on forever in our hearts.

Stilts...

Stilts were definitly the coolest way to get slightly higher off the ground for about 5 seconds until you fell face first... Yep whenever I was a kid, and I wanted to get slightly higher off the ground for about 5 seconds until I fell face first, there was nothing better than a good pair of stilts!

A True Story...

The following is an actual police report. I find no need to elaborate the already hilarious. However, if you want the full story just ask, since I am the driver involved...

• 7/07 — 11:45 a.m., A Texas Department of Criminal Justice parolee, William Canada, was released from the Huntsville “Walls” Unit, and within 45 minutes, stole a Toyota Corolla from the 1200 block of University Avenue. The car was left running when the driver made a delivery at the location. HPD immediately apprehended Canada at Cavender’s on 11th Street.

Being Productive

Instead of having "Writer's Block" people should try to get "Writer's Building-Blocks". That would probably be a lot more productive.

There's Nothing Small About "Small Talk"

Once a friend tried to break the silence by making small talk... He simply asked "What I thought?" When I asked "About what?" he replied "About anything." He had no idea how much pressure he just put upon me. Now I have to think of the most exciting thing I can think of, and then tell him what I think about it... You'll be happy to know I made some lame comment about the weather and we haven't been friends since.

Ladders...

Ladders should never be bought... only borrowed.

Painfull Memories

Remember the very first time you ever drank a Sprite? I know I do... how mad were you when you realized Sprite isn't green, but just the bottle is. I still have trouble coping with such a painfull memory. I guess that's why I keep the bad memories repressed. It keeps me refreshed, much like the taste of a delicious (Not Green) Sprite.

Better Than a Resume

Some people are afraid of getting a tattoo because they think when it's time to get a real job they won't get hired because they're covered in tattoos. That's why I plan on getting a tattoo that says "Hire me or I'll burn your family"... I still might not get the job, but only because they called my bluff and it would take a lot of courage to make that call... I should probably get a tattoo that says "Just Kidding," just in case.

The Land of Minimum Wage...

In the Land of Minimum Wage it is he who sells potatoes that shall eat like a king.

Shower Stalkers

When I'm taking a pee and I look over and see the shower with the curtain closed it makes me wonder. It makes me wonder if there's someone hiding in the shower waiting to jump out and attack me. Thats why I'll always give the shower curtain a good punching... So beware Shower Stalkers, there's a new Sheriff in the town!

The Future of Food

We've all seen enough TV and movies to know how teleporters work. We also know they can be unsafe because all your molecules might get mixed up and you could end up with your arm sticking out of your head or something... This might be a bad side effect for people, but a perfect side effect for food. Think of all the awesome meal combinations you could create just by zapping your food. Really like Tacos and burgers, but don't know what to eat? Well just teleport yourself a nice "Burg-aco" or "Tac-urger" Now all I need is a machine that could come up with a better name for a taco burger.

Superheros & Pervs

Anyone who says they would choose invisibility as their super power doesn't want to be a superhero. They just want to be some locker room pervert, and stare at nakeds all day. Instead of asking these guys what superpower they'd choose, just ask them if they're a dirty perv. They'll see you as a real straight shooter, and they'll respect that.