Dressed for Success

Wearing a collared shirt and athletic shorts is never acceptable. Unless you're holding some sort of business meeting at the gym. If that's the case, you're probably in the wrong business.

Child's Play

I saw this painted on the side of a daycare and it made me wonder...


Why is Buzz Lightyear shooting the children with a laser? At first I thought it was a threat, letting the kids know they better behave or else a space man will shoot death rays at them. However, maybe they're actually "Imagination Lasers," and Buzz is helping them expand their minds. Either way, if you ask me, this daycare is run by a bunch of drugged out hippies, and my kids will have a blast this summer.

A Fun Fact

Here's a fun fact; if you eat pepperonis by themselves, it's like eating meat flavored potato chips... without the potato chip!

Passive Agression

I try to avoid confrontation. When somone's aruging with me, it's just easier to let them win. However, I don't want people thinking I'm a push-over, so I yell nice things like "YOU MAKE A VERY GOOD POINT!" or "THAT'S A NICE SHIRT, IS IT NEW?!" They walk away feeling like they've won, and I don't have to backdown to anybody.

Smart Humor

A friend mentioned he had just bought a new motherboard for his computer. When I told him one day she'll give birth to a fine young board, he did not laugh. I guess my joke was a little too smart for the guy who buys computer parts. Take that smart guy!

How Polite is He?

He's so polite, he courtesy flushes at the urinal.

Color of Champions

My favorite color would have to be Highlighter Yellow. Not because it's so bright or cause it's unique, but because it demands your attention. You have to respect a color like that. The other colors could learn a lot from Highlighter Yellow... especially you Brown.

Behind the Music

I always liked the song "Pepper" by the Butthole Surfers. When it first came out, I liked it so much that I wanted to be a butthole surfer. It wasn't until later I realized there was a lot more to being a butthole surfer than just surfing. Thank god I didn't do anything I'd regret... cool song though.

Breaking from the Pack

Unlike everyone else I put my pants on both legs at a time. Sure it's a chore and there's a lot of hopping involved, but it's worth it to know I stand out in a class of my own.

The Incredible Edible Cracker

The people who make animal crackers should try making life-size crackers, and then putting them in parks and zoos. It would be great for marketing, but on the downside, it would probably increase the number of animals that will die because a child bit their head off.

An More Interesting Bee

There should be a word in the English language that simply means "Impossible to spell". Then they could use this word at the final round of spelling bees, and everyone will be amazed when someone spells it correctly. The judges will all say "That's impossible!" and dub him "The Chosen One". All in all I think it would make spelling bees a little more interesting, but then so would an actual bee that could spell... Eh, either way.

Good Advice Gone Bad

"Stopping to smell the roses," is usually good advice. Unless you're telling it to the guy pulling my rickshaw downhill... Then it quickly becomes dangerous advice.

The Secret's Out

Sometimes I think I’m a secret agent, and I just haven’t been let in on the secret. I guess I don’t blame them... cause I do love to gossip.

Have Your Cake & Eat it Too

If someone really smart is talking to you, and you don't know what to say, don't panic. When it's your turn to talk just say "I like Cake." Whoever you're talking to will think you're talking about the food and assume you're a moron. That's when you inform him you were actually talking about the 90s rock band, with such hits as "The Distance" & "Never There". Now he not only thinks you're intelligent and cultured, but he looks like an idiot for thinking you were talking about mere food. I mean seriously, what idiot would talk about baked goods when you're trying to have a serious conversation about 90s alternative rock... seriously.

Mating Terminology

If an older lady is hitting on you she's referred to as a "Cougar". So in theory if a really old lady is hitting on you she should be known as a "Saber-Toothed Tiger". After all, saber-toothed tigers are older than cougars. Plus it sounds a lot cooler to say "I bagged a Saber-Toothed Tiger," than "I had sex with your Grandma... Twice!"

Now Hiring

The other day I ate at Burger King, and on my receipt it said “Join our team, all positions available.” So I applied for “Burger King”… I still haven’t heard back from them.

Fate of a Superpower

If you ever acquire superpowers you will have to choose whether to use them for good or evil. Sometimes that choice is made for you. For example, if you end up having three heads you’re going to become a villain. That's just the way it is. Truth is you’re probably going to end up an evil henchman at best.

Wouldn't That be Neat?

I think it would be neat if cats could evaporate. Because if they could evaporate into the sky, than they would eventually come back down when it rains. Then one day cats would be falling from the sky, and I could walk up to a stranger and say "Looks like it's just raining cats today." That would be neat.

Some people may wonder if evaporating dogs would be just as neat. But dogs don't always land on their feet, and the thought of dogs falling from the sky to their death is a pretty sick thought.

A Lil' Monkey Business

When I see a parent with their child on a leash, I think about how out of control that child must be. But the other day I saw a kid on a leash with a giant monkey harness... On that day I thought "Wow, that spaz must really like monkeys."

A New Kind of Party

Earlier my neighbor was talking about a party, but he misspoke. Instead of saying it was BYOB, he said BLB. He corrected himself, but it got me thinking... What if he really meant BLB? I wonder what BLB would stand for. "Bring Lots of Beer", or maybe it means "Bring Laser Beams". If that's the case I think I'll pass. I've been shot with enough lasers to know it hurts no matter how drunk you are.