The Laws of Feline Physics

Cats always land on their feet... But what if you put nails on the bottom of the cat's feet? Would the cat still land on it's feet, knowing that the impact would push the nails into the cat's paws. Or would the cat be able to break the laws of Feline Physics and not land on its feet?

Well I guess there are some things we're just not supposed to know... unless you enjoy killing cats, then this would probably be a pretty fun experiment.

An Almost Impossible Riddle

If you and me is three... how many more is four?

Whales & Seagulls...

Sometimes I think of whales. And when I think of whales I wonder if they could use long tubes to go from their blow-holes to the surface of the water. I think of how great an idea that would be for the whales, and how it would be like a giant snorkel and they would never have to come up for air...
Then I think of seagulls. And when I think of seagulls I wonder if they could ever fly into one of these giant, long, whale snorkels. I think of how seagulls will eat anything, and then I think of a seagull flying into a whale snorkel and eating out the whale's brain...

I now know why the perfect idea of the whale snorkel has not become a reality. I tell myself "Keep dreaming Joe", But I know one day, one day when whales and seagulls learn to live in peace, the whale snorkel won't be a silly dream anymore.

You Can't ♥ Everything

I saw a kid in my class wearing a shirt that said "I ♥ Diversity". Then a couple days later I saw him wearing a shirt that said "I ♥ Pine Cove". Now does this kid really love Diversity and Pine Cove, or does he just love wearing "I ♥" shirts. I think he's just throwing the word "Love" around like it's nothing... One thing's for sure, this kid needs to get his priorities straight, cause he's going to end up breaking a lot of hearts.

A Quick Tip

If you're ever digging for success... Dig Up!

All Women are Liars!

I got so excited when Ashley had a handful of Reese's Pieces in her hand because I love them so much. But then I noticed she was just eating a bunch of orange and yellow Skittles... I can't think of a time a women's lies has hurt me worse.

No Way Those Chicks are Twins

What if the twins from those Doublemint gum commericals aren't really twins. What if one of the twins is actually a time traveler, and she just went back in time and is now making commercials with her past self, and making twice the money. Next time you see one of those commercials, look and see if one twin looks a little older than the other one. Thats the one from the future!

Cell Phones Are So Much More Convienent

The guys in the matrix could have everything at their finger tips. From guns to helicopters, they had it all... except for a phone. They were always looking for a phone to get away from danger. I think a lot of lives could of been saved if they just invested in a family share plan.

G.I. Joe Sure Has a Lot of Tanks

If "Knowing" was half the battle, did G.I. Joe really need all those tanks to beat Cobra? I mean, what was the other half of the battle... whoever has the weirdest tanks and the coolest ninja guy that doesn't talk wins?... I'm no mathmetician, but it seems to me that if G.I. Joe just knew twice as much they would of been able to save a lot of money on tanks.

What... Funyuns?

What's so fun about Funyuns?... Oh wait now I remember, thanks for your help though.

Excuse Me, You're on My Turf.

If I ever started a gang, I don't think I'd have a gang color. Instead my gang color would be "Brick", and you'd always be on my turf.

The Perfect Woman

I remember when every girl wanted to be like their Barbie doll because she was the perfect women. But from what I remember, you couldn't bend Barbie's knees or elbows. So what made her so Perfect?... "Hey Barbie. wanna go run around like Frankenstein and then just stand around all day?"... "You do, God I love you Barbie, You're Perfect!"

What's the Deal with Hockey Masks?

Hockey masks have lost that speacial "Terror Factor" they once had. Today if I saw some crazed guy waving a chainsaw and wearing a hockey mask, I wouldn't run in terror... I would just think it's the goalie of the San Jose Sharks, and I bet I could take him as long as I hit him below the neck. I mean after all, he might not be scary, but he is still wearing a helmet.

You Don't Have to be a Nerd to Like the Library

It's a little known fact that the best place to make an entrance is the library. It's Perfect! everyone's just sitting there in silence, studying, waiting for something to happen. Thats when you make your entrance and dazzle everyone... Plus if the Librarian Shushes you, then you look like an even bigger B A. Oh and on a side note, once you entered the library try not to actually read a book, for fear that your cool entrance might be ruined by everyone thinking you're just a nerdy bookworm like them.

Safety Always Comes First

In school you might of been told that if you make fun of someone you have a low self-esteem. On the contrary, my self-esteem is perfect, I just didn't want my friend to get hurt by that chick's huge pointy nose. He could've lost an eye, or even Killed!... I was looking out for my friend's safety, and in school I was always taught "Safety First."... My point is, safety comes first, and being polite to chicks with pointy noses probably comes in sixth or maybe even seventh (depending on how pointy the nose really is).

The Curse of the Lava Lamp

"My eyes feel like my ears, and everyone's yelling!"

Daily Gun-slinging

From now on, whenever I leave from somewhere, I think I'm going to act like my hand is a gun and shoot at the door. That way I can always tell people "I shot my way out of there"... You have to respect any man who can do that and live to tell about it.

Fun With a Friend

If you need a quick laugh, go sit in a random class dressed like Clark Kent. Then have your friend pull the fire alarm. Once he does, stand up, wip off your glasses and announce that you have to go and dash out of the room... It'll be hilarious, and the best part is from now on all those kids in that class will think you're Superman. How's that for street-cred.

Everything's Better with Sunshine

If I could harness the power of the sun, I'd use it to burn my enemies... Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't kill them, I'd just give them a real bad sun burn. That way they'd have a long time to think about what they did before they died of skin cancer... In conclusion, it was the skin cancer that killed them, not Joe Lord of the Sun.

Bow before me, I am Joe Lord of the Sun!

The Full Five

After I give people a Hi-Five sometimes they complain that I hit their hand too hard. To this I say "Don't be mad at me cause you asked for the Hi-Five and I gave you the full Five." Maybe these Hi-Five rookies need to just go around asking for a Hi-Two or maybe a Hi-Three and work their way up to the Hi-Five... No longer will I take responsiblity for some young punk who gets hurt cause he thought he could handle the full Five when he wasn't ready.