The True Inventor

I wonder who invented the bookmark? Was it the nerdy guy who kept reading books all day, or the nerdy guy's friend, who kept shoving little pieces of paper in his book when he wasn't looking?

According to "Joe Law"

Joe Law states that when preparing nacho plates, part of each chip must remain uncovered with nacho cheese or chilli. This way it can be used as a handle, and no one gets gunk all over their fingers... Such is the Law of Joe!

Despite Popular Belief

Despite popular belief, cotton candy does not actually shrink in the wash... It does however, ruin a brand new washer and dryer.

They Needed a Disclaimer

When I was a kid I loved Alvin and the Chipmunks... But I wonder how many kids hurt their crotch from sliding down the banister at their house after watching the chipmunks do it. Just another reason TV is ruining our youth... seriously though, are they going on tour anytime soon?

Lost in Translation

I wonder if Cheerios are called "Hellos" in England?

My Battle Cry

A lot of people like to shout "Food Fight!" when they start a food fight. I on the other hand, shout "Pass the Ketchup!"... so I have an excuse.

Did I Mention My Promotion?

A Couple months ago I got the big promotion to Assistant Manager... Now please hold your applause, that should be saved for the Manager... however, I will accept your assistant applause.

Preparing for the After-Life

When I die I want to be buried wearing a shirt that says "Not A Zombie." That way if for some reason I do get to rise from the dead, I'll already be prepared. This way people won't assume I'm a zombie, and I'll be able to hang out for a bit before everyone tries to blow my head off or cut me to pieces with a chainsaw... I mean, sooner or later they're gonna figure it out, but not before I can go catch a movie, or grab a bite to eat... of Brains!

How Tough Are You?

I see all these guys wearing pink shirts that say "Tough Guys Wear Pink", and that may be true. However, tough guys don't wear shirts saying how tough they are. Instead they're out there beating heads in and being tough... So if you're really a tough guy, wear a shirt with a picture of the last guy whose head who beat in... and leave the pink for the whussys and wanna-be's.

Monopoly... A Lesson in Business

Remember Monopoly? Everytime I played I was always the wheelbarrow. Yeah that's right, cause everyone would fight over who got to be the racecar. I mean, hey I'm a wheelbarrow, I still got one wheel and I'm going places... It just goes to show that you can go farther with one wheel than when you fight over four. The same is true in business, and I guess that's what monopoly was trying to teach us.

The Chronicles Of Class...

I moved the Chronicles Of Class (The Short Story I created in class instead of taking notes) because it was getting to big, and frankly, just too epic... For the complete tellings of The Chronicles Of Class check out my other site, here...
EverythingJoe.blogspot.com

A Killer Impression

Why is it that in the movies, all the killers, hitmen, and assassins always were black boots. I don't know about you, but if I was running around shooting and killing people I would probably want something a little more comfortable, like a light tennis shoe or sneaker. Then again I guess I would kinda look silly wearing all black except for my white reebok pumps, and I can't go around killing anyone if I look silly... I mean it is true what they say, "You only have one chance to make a first impression"... especially if you kill them.

Food for Thought

If I was going to be put to death, and they asked me what I wanted for my last meal, I would proudly say "Unicorn!"

Two Scoops of Hives

Raisin Bran had a slogan that says "Everything's" better with two scoops," but I think they forgot that my friend is allergic to raisins... I don't think two scoops of anything will make his face stop swelling.

A Girl Named Judy

Today I was talking with a girl named Judy when it hit me. Who names their daughter Judy? In fact I don't think I've ever met a girl named Judy. Then I thought of Judy Jetson. That's when I realized that we are not yet ready for the name Judy, and in time we will accept it just like flying cars and robot maids named Rosie.

A Forgotten Legend

Since the beginning of time, people have become legends for showing amazing feats of strength. But it has come to my attention that we have overlooked one of these legends... Scrooge McDuck was known as a wealthy, stingy, selfish old man, but we forgot his amazing physical strength. He is the only person I have ever known to dive head first into a pool of coins, only to swim around doing flips and somersaults. Must I also mention that he did all this swimming without a lifeguard present... Clearly Scrooge McDuck is a god among other Ducks, and should be remembered as such. Thanks for the memories Mr McDuck.

Shirts, Liars, & Ugos...

Today I saw a girl wearing a shirt that said "Kiss me I'm Italian." Truth is, if she really wanted me to kiss her all she had to wear was a shirt saying "Kiss me I'm attractive." Unfortunately for her she was not attractive and I don't kiss liars, or people who let their shirts lie for them... or ugly people in general.

An Actual Fued of Families

Has anything ever been decided because of the Family Fued? Just once I want it to be an actual fued of families. Trouble with the neighbors? No Problem, just challenge them to the Family Fued. Whoever loses moves, and the winner... well the winner gets to play fast money for a chance at $20,000. Because that's just how the game is played.

Free Advertising

I've noticed a bunch of religious people have a bumper sticker on their car that reads, "My Boss is a Jewish Carpenter." What they don't know is that somewhere out there, Steinberg's Hardwood Floors is getting a lot of free advertising thanks to them.

Where My Genie At?

I went through a phase where everytime I came across a lamp I would rub it just to see if it contained a magical genie that would grant me wishes... Of course now I realize how silly I was. Now instead of rubbing, I break every lamp I see... If I can't have my genie, No One Can!