Snakes in the Wild

It's a good thing rattlesnakes don't hang out in nurseries because you'd never know when they'd strike.

Smarter Camoflauge

At first I thought it was stupid that Zebras are black and white because there is nothing black and white in the jungle for them to blend into... But then I realized crossword puzzles are black and white, and if I was a hungry lion I wouldn't want to deal with some crossword, I mean those things are hard.

Getting A Little Closure

I'm tired of you playing these games with my heart. I'm sick of you saying you're leaving for good, only to come back again. I guess I'm the fool for always taking you back, but no more! I think I speak for everyone when I say "I'm over you McRib, I've found other sandwiches that stand by my hunger instead of leave when it's convienent... Thanks for the memories McRib, but I think you should stop coming around.

Being Safe After Dark

The next time you're making fun of goth kids at night be careful, because they might actually be vampires... really depressed and annoying vampires.

In the Land of Birds

I saw this TV show were instead of horses they rode ostriches... why would anyone ride an ostrich instead of a horse? Maybe if an ostrich could fly it would make a little more sense... I'd rather ride a chicken, at least that bird can fly... and if I was a cop I'd ride a rooster, and his rooster calls would be my siren.

Gloves are Superior

Why would anyone chose mittens over gloves? When someone says "It's cold, I better go grab my mittens." all I ever hear is "It's cold, I better only have two fingers on each hand." Seriously, gloves are superior to mittens in every way... that is unless you're pretending to be a ninja turtle, but that's really not my point.

The True Inventor

I wonder who invented the bookmark? Was it the nerdy guy who kept reading books all day, or the nerdy guy's friend, who kept shoving little pieces of paper in his book when he wasn't looking?

According to "Joe Law"

Joe Law states that when preparing nacho plates, part of each chip must remain uncovered with nacho cheese or chilli. This way it can be used as a handle, and no one gets gunk all over their fingers... Such is the Law of Joe!

Despite Popular Belief

Despite popular belief, cotton candy does not actually shrink in the wash... It does however, ruin a brand new washer and dryer.

They Needed a Disclaimer

When I was a kid I loved Alvin and the Chipmunks... But I wonder how many kids hurt their crotch from sliding down the banister at their house after watching the chipmunks do it. Just another reason TV is ruining our youth... seriously though, are they going on tour anytime soon?

Lost in Translation

I wonder if Cheerios are called "Hellos" in England?

My Battle Cry

A lot of people like to shout "Food Fight!" when they start a food fight. I on the other hand, shout "Pass the Ketchup!"... so I have an excuse.

Did I Mention My Promotion?

A Couple months ago I got the big promotion to Assistant Manager... Now please hold your applause, that should be saved for the Manager... however, I will accept your assistant applause.

Preparing for the After-Life

When I die I want to be buried wearing a shirt that says "Not A Zombie." That way if for some reason I do get to rise from the dead, I'll already be prepared. This way people won't assume I'm a zombie, and I'll be able to hang out for a bit before everyone tries to blow my head off or cut me to pieces with a chainsaw... I mean, sooner or later they're gonna figure it out, but not before I can go catch a movie, or grab a bite to eat... of Brains!

How Tough Are You?

I see all these guys wearing pink shirts that say "Tough Guys Wear Pink", and that may be true. However, tough guys don't wear shirts saying how tough they are. Instead they're out there beating heads in and being tough... So if you're really a tough guy, wear a shirt with a picture of the last guy whose head who beat in... and leave the pink for the whussys and wanna-be's.

Monopoly... A Lesson in Business

Remember Monopoly? Everytime I played I was always the wheelbarrow. Yeah that's right, cause everyone would fight over who got to be the racecar. I mean, hey I'm a wheelbarrow, I still got one wheel and I'm going places... It just goes to show that you can go farther with one wheel than when you fight over four. The same is true in business, and I guess that's what monopoly was trying to teach us.

The Chronicles Of Class...

I moved the Chronicles Of Class (The Short Story I created in class instead of taking notes) because it was getting to big, and frankly, just too epic... For the complete tellings of The Chronicles Of Class check out my other site, here...
EverythingJoe.blogspot.com

A Killer Impression

Why is it that in the movies, all the killers, hitmen, and assassins always were black boots. I don't know about you, but if I was running around shooting and killing people I would probably want something a little more comfortable, like a light tennis shoe or sneaker. Then again I guess I would kinda look silly wearing all black except for my white reebok pumps, and I can't go around killing anyone if I look silly... I mean it is true what they say, "You only have one chance to make a first impression"... especially if you kill them.

Food for Thought

If I was going to be put to death, and they asked me what I wanted for my last meal, I would proudly say "Unicorn!"

Two Scoops of Hives

Raisin Bran had a slogan that says "Everything's" better with two scoops," but I think they forgot that my friend is allergic to raisins... I don't think two scoops of anything will make his face stop swelling.