What Does Fire Prevention Prevent?

Smokey the Bear is a symbol for fire prevention, but whenever I see a bear in the forest wearing overalls and a hat I don't think fire safety... I think about some poor naked farmer who probably needs medical attention for all his bear wounds. I think Smokeys been hiding out in the forest for years, eating farmers, and he's going to keep doing so until we each grab a torch and burn that forest to the ground... Without a forest, Smokeys got no place to hide, and we can finally put an end to the curse of the farmer eating, overall wearing bear.

Dressing for the Occassion

If you're ever hiding in a tree, spying on some girl, try wearing nothing but your underwear... that way if the girl notices, you can just say you were practicing your Tarzan impression. And if that doesn't work just throw a banana at her and swing away before she calls the cops.

What ever happened to Surge?

I remember watching commercials for the soda Surge. One guy would yell "Surge!" and everyone would go crazy and race for that one can of Surge... I guess that's why you can't scream "Surge" in movie theaters.

Know Your Vegetables

I bet if Broccolli had a personality it would be kinda nerdy. Don't get me wrong, Broccolli would still be popular because it hangs out with cheese... and every food wants to party with cheese!

Making a "Better" You

Therapists might talk about how you have to conquer your "Inner Demons" in order to make yourself a better person... so I tried doing that, and they're so right! Now at parties I tell people I'm a Demon Slayer... How cool is that for an opening line?

Fish Aren't Worth Fixing

Fish aren't worth fixing. When your fish get sick, you don't take them to the Vet, you take them to the toilet... If we were fish I think less people would call in sick, because everyone would be afraid their boss would come and flush their heads in the toilet... On second thought, It probably wouldn't change a thing, cause I know plenty of times I would rather have my head flushed than go to work.

Consequences of a Lame Conversation

This guy and girl sitting behind me are having the lamest conversation about sports right now... I wish they'd stop being so lame and just "Do it" already. But then they'd have lame babies, and sooner or later I'd be hearing another lame sports conversation.

Out-Smarting Dinosaurs

If i'm ever being chased by a T-Rex I would probably just challenge him to a thumb war. Even if he cheats and uses a helper I still think I could beat him... I mean C'mon I got three fingers up on him.

I Never Worked at What-A-Burger

I have a shirt from What-A-Burger, and everytime I wear it someone says "Hey when did you work at What-A-burger?" And to them I say, "The same time you worked at Abercrombie."

Positive Ice Cream Thinking

Today I saw a pint of Ben & Jerry's ice cream, and it was flavored half cookie dough and half fudge brownie. Really Ben?... Really Jerry?... Do we have to mix all these flavors just to impress people? When will Ben and Jerry just realize that all they have to do to impress people is to just be themselves.

Similies & Metaphors

I always use similies instead of metaphors, because when I say "That stop sign is red like a fire truck," it means the sign is red... But when my friend says "That stop sign is a giant red oppressive monster," it means he's back on the drugs and I should've found another ride home.

If I Could Be An Animal...

If I could be an animal, any animal, I would be a "Puma-ppotamus" then I would look like a hippo, but I would be gracefull like a puma... Plus I have a pair of Puma shoes so i'm already half way there. And if someone has a problem with the Puma-ppotamus... well then they probably don't like animals, and anyone who doesn't like animals is probably a jerk anyways

My Kinda Party

Sometimes I would take a piece of paper with me to parties so I could write down funny things that happened, so when I got trashed at parties I would remember it all in the morning... Man I go to some Awesome parties cause every morning I found out I drew pictures of naked girls with big hooters and wrote down fart jokes!

Dairy Queen

Once I went to Dairy Queen to get a Blizzard, but when I got there they said they were out of ice cream. Out of ice cream?... how can you be the Queen of dairy if you don't have any dairy? If I was the Dairy Queen I would be afraid of a revolution. Who knows, once the revolution hits, we could be getting delicious Blizzards at the new Dairy Democracy... I know the name isn't as catchy but it represents freedom, and I respect that in a name

Lowering Your Ears

Why do people say they got their ears lowered instead of saying they got a haircut? everyone knows they didn't actually get their ears lowered... honestly I don't care whether or not you got a haircut, I just don't think we have anything in common so i'm forced to talk about your boring new haircut...

Ready to Rumble?

I saw an advertisement for Valentine's day stuff and it had this picture of a Bull dog and it was asking if I was "Ready to Rumble"?... Ready to Rumble? does this dog actually want to fight me?... I think he's missing the whole spirit of Valentine's Day

That Lousy T-shirt

You always see people wearing shirts that say "I did so and so and all I got was this lousy T-shirt". But if it's so lousy why do they still wear the shirt? These people need to stop "fence-riding" and either appreciate the shirt they have, or just not wear the lousy shirt. If anyone brings me one of these shirts and says it's not so lousy after all and they're sorry for misjudging it, I will personally draw a line through the word "Lousy" and write "Pretty Good"... yeah I think thats a good start to making this world a better place for everyone, including shirts

MSG...

Everyone bad mouths MSG. They say mean things like "I'll just be hungry again in an hour," or "You don't use any of that MSG right?" Why is everyone so prejudice against MSG? I think it's a great concept. Really hungry now but running a marathon later? try MSG it'll fill you up but won't hold you back from that 10K later on. Really like Chinese food? well now you can come back in an hour when you're hungry again, and have even more. I'm not sure what M S G stands for but to me it stands for More Sweet Grubbin'.

Halloween

On Halloween we should really have a list of costumes that are "played out", and you are no longer allowed to use... like do we really need the loser who wants to dress up like a girl? or do I really want to be at a halloween party with Jesus so he can forgive me all my halloween sins?... Instead we should bring back some of the old school ideas that don't get used anymore. I want to party with more back halfs of a horse at my next Halloween party!

Drugs...

I've done drugs before, but not anymore... the way I see if I want to sit around and do nothing while expanding my mind, i'll just read a book... and we all know i'm not reading no books. In conclusion, stick to Tv and Alcohol

Dealing With Your Problems

Sometimes if you wait long enough your problems fix themselves... and sometimes if you wait even longer, they become someone else's problems... and sometimes if you wait even longer... well, nevermind, it really doesn't matter cause they're not your problems anymore

What you did this summer

I told Vic I knew what he did last summer... he told me he lifeguarded last summer... but I already knew that

The Airport

Why would the airport lie to us? well that settles it... Frequent Flyer NO MORE!

Curtains and Blinds

The chick in front of me just moved the curtain to look outside but the blinds were closed. If I was that chick I would be depressed... but i'm not so it's funny

Jimmy Durany

Today in class my Teacher was talking, and he asked if anyone remembered Jimmy Durany... seriously?... how bout next time he just asks the class if anyone is really old

Saved By the Bell

Hey... Remember that episode of Saved By the Bell where Slater calls Zack "Preppy", Screech says something dumb, and Zack gets the girl?... cause that was a good episode